6 Childbirth Terrors Reconsidered

Before having kids, changing dirty nappies can seem the height of childrearing hell.  However, after becoming a hardened nappy-changer, all too glad to sit right back down to finish your curry following an encounter with explosive diarrhea, this earlier concern seems irrelevant and a tad naive. 

If you've never birthed or witnessed the birth of a baby mammal, Cracked's list of terrifying things about childbirth is much like this imagined nappy hell: Unnecessarily traumatic, though amusing.

Here are 6 childbirth terrors reconsidered:

1. Placenta - Yes the things you see in childbirth are strange and gooey, but mostly you'll be so amazed by the wonder of seeing a baby come out of your partner's body, or your own, and you won't even mind.

2.  Episiotomies – Yes they hurt and they are often not necessary, but most lady bits heal right up nicely with enough rest and help (hint hint).

3.  Faeces - Poo happens during childbirth.  It's not pretty either aurally or visually.  Neither is the sweating, grunting, bleeding and gushing. But as for whether you'll really care that much, you'll have bigger things on your mind, cross my heart.

4. Alien-shaped baby heads – Babies birthed vaginally have heads shaped like aliens so they can fit through the birth canal.  They are also covered in white goo.  I promise you won't care one bit what your child looks like.. you'll think he/she is the most miraculously beautiful creature you've ever beheld.

5. Foetal monitors – They bleep and bluster and make all kinds of scary noises when the baby's heart beat decelerates during contractions.  But rather than worry about Matrix-like foetal machinery, why not use your brain power to find a doctor with a low c-section rate, as he/she will most likely know not to regard foetal monitor noise as sufficient cause for panic.

6. The bill – True, the cost of private childbirth can be in the multiple thousands, even for those individuals lucky enough to have top health insurance.  But given all the money many of us have wasted on bad dates and uncomfortable shoes, paying the hospital bill for a baby is probably money well spent.