Baby Cages: The 5 Baby Products that Should be Illegal

Far be it from me to tell you how to parent your kid. I believe in live and let live. If you want to run your house like a prison or an exotic dance club, that’s not really any of my business. All I am saying is the following products will probably warp or harm your child psychologically. That’s all.

Baby Stripper Pole

If you do not understand what is wrong with a baby stripper pole, there is not much more for me to say. To be fair, this toy is marketed as a "dancing kit." So it's not stripping, it's just dancing. I knew some girls who paid their way through college by "dancing."

Murder You Elmo

Although packaged as Elmo Knows Your Name, one little boy’s Elmo did more than learn his name. It threatened his life. Specifically Elmo said “Kill James.” That’s an Elmo catchphrase you’re unlikely to see on a t-shirt any time soon.

Baby Lower Back Tattoos

‘Cause if you kid doesn’t have a tramp stamp, how is she going to get anyone to buy her a beer?

Baby Einstein

I smelled something fishy about baby Einstein from the start. My daughter loved them, but I couldn’t see how staring at wind-up toys for half hours at a time could be educational. And science has proven my suspicions correct. A study from the University of Washington found that not only did the videos have no educational value, but kids who watched them in excess got dumber.

Baby Cages

While very practical in either the spacious model pictured here or the smaller, carry-on size that you can stow overhead in an airplane cabin, the sight of your stylish baby cage might raise a few eyebrows. As will the welts on your child’s forehead from ramming themsleves against the bars. Though baby cages might be wrong, don’t pretend you haven’t thought about it before.

Of course the baby cages are a joke. As for the kiddie stripper poles, they exist, but the very child friendly looking kit isn't actaully supposed to be marketed to chidlren. A retailer mistakenly catagorized them as toys.  The rest of the items on this list, sadly, are the real deal.  

Photo: babycage.net