They Don’t Make ‘Em Like They Used To

Almost every day after school in the 80s, I’d make a bowl of popcorn then sit down to watch TV until dinnertime. I have fond memories of this time, before studies told us that too much TV was bad. I learned about Buddhism from watching Monkey Magic. I learned how to sing show tunes by watching the Muppets. I learned how to draw upside-down elephants holding umbrellas by watching Mr Squiggle. But hang on. Take a look at these shows as an adult and, well, some of them just aren’t quite right. Here’s eight shows they’d never make these days — but we loved them anyway.

Monkey magic! 1978-80

Monkey was the English language version of Japanese television series Saiyuki, based on the classic Chinese novel Journey to the West by Wu Cheng’en. The show was completely bizarre in every way, yet every child I know was obsessed with it. Mainly, because the main character, Monkey, travelled around the universe on a cloud which he summoned at whim, and conjured monkey warriors from his chest hairs. The complicated plot revolved around an androgynous priest’s pilgrimage to obtain holy scriptures, enlivened by characters such as the misogynist pig monster, Pigsy and his stoner water spirit mate, Sandy. A one-of-a-kind.

The Goodies 1970-82

Although this British sketch-comedy wasn’t strictly a kids show, it was broadcast at 5.30pm for years. The time-slot meant that it was heavily edited. Good thing really – Bill Oddie’s character regularly imbibed lemon sherbet, which he used as an recreational drug. Under the influence of sherbet Bill saw visions of naked women and swirling shapes. Swinging 70s alright! Watch the theme song.

H.R PufNStuf – 1969-71

It is obvious to any adults who watch the show that the creators were clearly on drugs. Take the plot: A boy named Jimmy accidentally finds Living Island, a magical place where everything is alive. The Mayor of Living Island is a friendly dragon named H.R. Pufnstuf. Jimmy had been lured to the island with his friend, a talking flute named Freddie, by a magic boat which promised adventures across the sea. The boat was actually owned and controlled by their nemesis, a wicked witch named Wilhelmina W. Witchiepoo who rode on a broomstick-like vehicle called the Vroom Broom. Then there was the psychedelic look of the show and the very name Pufnstuf – puffing stuff (i.e marijuana). The creators deny that the show was just one big drug reference. You decide.

Mister Squiggle

This was Australia’s longest-running children’s series. Mr. Squiggle (the main character) was a marionette string puppet with a pencil for a nose who visited his friends from his home on the moon flying in his pet rocket (named Rocket). In every episode he would create several pictures from “squiggles” sent in by children from around the country. Aside from the fact that he always seems to draw the same thing (an upside-down animal), the mopey blackboard is clearly suffering from depression. “Oh hurry up!”

Roger Ramjet

Sometimes I wonder if Generation X, often dubbed The Prozac Generation, can blame Roger Ramjet and his might Proton Energy Pill (PEP!) for our reliance on pharmaceutical products.

When Ramjet takes a Proton Pill
The crooks begin to worry
They can’t escape their awful fate
From Proton’s mighty fury

Noddy 1955-present

A beloved Enid Blyton character, Noddy crossed into TV land in the fifties and has undergone many transformations since. Noddy lives in Toytown with his close male friends Big Ears and Mr Plod. A gang of black Golliwogs used to cause mischief in Toytown until they were written out of the show, due to claims their presence was racist. In the 1992-1994 series, the BBC added Dinah Doll, described as “a black, assertive minority female.” Watch a recent episode.

You Can’t Do That on Television 1979-1990

From the classic era of Canadian Children’s TV which brought us Degrassi High, YCDTOTV gave us Alanis Morisette. And slime. The live action kids show portrayed young adults in all sorts of subversive roles – from facing a firing squad to discussing gender politics.

The Muppet Show 1976-81

It’s the Muppet Show! And tonight, Liza Minelli sings Copacabana, while getting drunk and watching her boyfriend be shot by gangsters. Now that’s what I call family entertainment!