Five Reasons To Sell Your Toddler On eBay

1. Your possessions are no longer safe. Last week, my 19-month-old ‘posted’ my mobile phone into a slot in my built-in gas heater. Today’s casualties include a smashed glass and emptied salt and pepper shakers.

2. You can’t reason with them. Toddlers can tantrum over the smallest thing, like you don’t want them to shut the pet cat in the toybox. Whereas a 3-year-old can grasp the concept of suffocation, a toddler is likely to throw themselves on the floor and scream.

3. They’re fickle. One minute they want daddy, the next it’s mum. When you’re both supplying attention they want grandma. Tonight they’ll eat peas, tomorrow they’ll clam their mouths shut and throw peas on the floor.

4. Toddler poo. Newborn dirty nappies are like bouquets of roses compared to the foul output of a toddler. Extra-stinky older kid nappies need to be taken straight outside (or rinsed immediately), so you may as well sell your Tommee Tippee nappy wrapper on eBay as well. It is an extra incentive to start toilet training though.

5. Faster than a speeding bullet, able to leap lounge chairs in a single bound. Life with a toddler can be like herding cats, but all day long. After you’ve finished chasing them down the street, pulled them down off the kitchen table and helped them off the tallest climbing frame at the park, you’ll have approximately 11 hours break before getting up at an ungodly hour and doing it all again.

Tomorrow – five reasons to keep your toddler around.