We’ve been letting a friend smoke on our deck when she comes over and recently my five-year-old has been asking a lot of questions about it. I asked a group of mothers about how they handle this and they were all visibly shocked that I let people smoke in front of my kids. I continued to survey some random mums and was surprised to discover that I seem to be the odd one out. I feel like it’s inhospitable to forbid smoking when you have a guest over and you have a deck. I guess I could ask my two (childless) friends who still smoke to stop, but just the thought of it makes me feel like such a nansy-pansy. I also don’t want to do anything to discourage this friend’s visits as she is a great buddy to my son in every other way. But am I setting my kid up for a future of nicotine addiction? — sending smoke signals
Dear smoke signals,
Smoking has all but disappeared from mass culture. Our babies won’t be playing with ashtrays at Sizzler, and our kids are not going to see the Marlboro man ride off into the sunset, smoking a fag. Smoking is basically "over." So, let’s just stay on message and ask Uncle Bill to step out of sight if he must light up. Fair enough. Right?
But there’s more at stake here: a relationship that might otherwise be a positive influence on his life. An understanding of the frailty and imperfection of human beings. The opportunity for some really good, productive conversations that help your child understand and internalise these things (in a way he might not if you had the same conversation about a stranger on the street).
People aren’t perfect. When we try to create a perfect universe where adults are all role models all the time, are we really doing what’s best for our kids? When they get out beyond the smoke-free deck, what will they think of the people who do smoke? What about other unhealthy behaviour? Will you ask your anorexic cousin to finish everything on her plate? Or insist that your couch potato-father-in-law eat sliced bananas instead of a pepperoni pizza stuffed with cinnamon buns from Dominos when he’s watching the game? You see where this is going.
If your kid sees someone smoking, talk about it. Talk about what it is, what it does, and why people do it. Talk about how hard it is to stop. It might be helpful to know that even adults can’t control everything! It’s also a chance to teach tolerance. You can love your friend but hate her smoking habit, and wish she’d quit, but not want to make her feel bad in your home. And it’s a way to let your child feel comfortable talking about something bad, naughty, and yucky, thus possibly paving the way for future discussions about his own choices and problems in the area of "good" versus "bad."
Of course, you can probably have most of these discussions and still ask your friend not to smoke around your kid. The decision of whether or not to drop an ultimatum at this point is yours to make. Either way, we advise you to continue the dialogue with your kid. We all want to send our children the message that smoking is unhealthy, but who’s to say there’s not more than one way to do that?
And who knows, maybe someday your well-informed son will blurt out just the right words to help your friend kick the habit.
Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babblebaby.com.au
I have had to discuss this with my five year old son, as his father smokes (we are no longer together). I explained to my son how unhealthy smoking is, and how difficult it is sometimes for people to control their behaviour, whether it be adults or children. I think it helps him, because it does bother him when he has trouble stopping himself from doing something that he shouldn’t.
It does worry me that his father smokes, because parental smoking increases the likelihood of children taking it up later on, but all I can do is trust in my son’s intelligence and informed judgment.
I obviously completely agree that nobody should be smoking near children where they can inhale secondhand smoke. However it seems very controlling to be insisting that people not smoke within eyesight of children. I find this kind of controlling modelling from parents to be far more disturbing than children witnessing something distasteful that can then be used as a learning opportunity.
What do you know? The gangsters at the World Health Organization decide to get tobacco outlawed and replaced with prescription drugs ai ten prices and with the help of the media, medical establishment and crooked politicians manage to control the brains and noses of millions. The common man doesn’t even know who his Master is. God help us.
I really do believe that people can live without smoking. And I just hope that the government would ban them forever. For I do believe that there exists no justifiable reason for this act.