Parental Advisory: Defending Dependence

My baby is about to turn two. She still drinks a bottle and uses a dummy, mostly when she’s tired or falling asleep. She usually spits it out at some point when she’s actually asleep. She can drink from a sippy and even an open cup fine. And she’s really independent when it comes to doing things for herself or separating from us. She just seems to want the comfort sometimes. I know (from the condescending stares and comments) that everyone thinks we should get her to stop, but can somebody explain WHY? I can’t really figure out what the point is of taking these things away when she loves them so much. — she (still) sucks

Dear she (still) sucks,

There are some parenting recommendations that make clear sense. Not enough sleep? Too much sugar? It’s hard to argue when a child’s basic well-being is at stake. The weaning question is less straightforward. There can be a dental health concern with extended bottle and dummy use. But it doesn’t sound like your child has an all night (or even all-day) habit of the sort that might cause tooth damage. Will an hour or two a day of sucking make a difference in your orthodontic bills? While we can’t answer that one with much authority, our guess is, probably not.

In all likelihood the reason people are disturbed by your daughter’s sucking habits has nothing to do with her health. Our culture has pretty set ideas about what is and isn’t appropriate, even for toddlers. Bottles and dummies used after a certain age are considered unseemly. What people are saying to you and your daughter (verbally or not) is, basically, “Grow up already.”

It’s interesting to think about why a small child’s need for comfort makes grown people so uncomfortable. And it makes us think about weaning in general. Parents of toddlers are glared at for encouraging breastfeeding, bottles, dummies, co-sleeping, bits of precious blanket. But children at this age do tend to enjoy having something to suck on. And it’s not a sign of “dependence" in and of itself.

Some kids suck their thumbs until five (and well beyond that, if you’re looking behind closed doors). Security blankets are stealthily packed into summer camp duffels. Though there is a risk of embarrassment, it’s hard to know whether that’s really such a bad thing from a learning perspective. Why should we be in such a hurry to detach our children from their sources of comfort before they’re ready? The usual up-front argument is that dependency is bad, and that kids need to move on to a more mature way of dealing with stress. And that would be… a shot of tequila? Some argue that kids even cling to these objects well beyond toddlerhood precisely because there was too strong a push for independence earlier.

Your daughter will wean from the dummy and bottle at some point. It’s not going to work out to show up at kindergarten with a bottle in her lunchbox. The question is when to nip the nip, and how. As with any weaning, the time should feel right to you so that you can confidently help your child make the transition. It may be annoying to get the nasty looks, but those looks can’t govern parenting choices that feel right to you. You say your daughter is plenty independent in general, so forget the peanut gallery. They don’t know your kid.

If you do decide enough is enough, there’s more than one way to do the nipping. You could make a clean break, which usually results in a lot of pain for a short time. Or you could take things slower, maybe trying to substitute other forms of comfort from the ones she’s used to. Or: you could give your daughter a chance to grow up a little and develop some identity as a big kid. This approach could make it much easier for her to let go of her baby self (and its associated accoutrements). You, on the other hand, might have a harder time saying goodbye to all that.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babblebaby.com.au