Babble Talk: When Is It OK to Write About Your Own Mother?

Last week some of you may have read Shelley Abreu's "Stuck in the Middle" feature story, which addresses the hardships and frustrations she confronts as a mother of three who also must take care of her own mother. The piece, originally published on Babble.com, sparked an often heated debate among Babble's commenters, one that raises an important question: Is it inappropriate for a writer to discuss her loved ones in a public forum?

"Living with my mother and feeling responsible for her financial future
often feels like an overwhelming burden," Abreu writes. "Instead of saving money for my
children's education, travelling as a family, or even going out to eat,
my husband and I spend our money on the hefty mortgage. We've talked
about selling, but between the weakening economy and our need to house
so many people, it's not a viable option for us. Not only do we fret
about our children's future, but we worry about my mum's as well. With
no retirement funds to live off of, her financial future is in our
hands."

Abreu goes on to confess that she sometimes resents her mother (and her late father) for putting her family in this situation. She also wishes her mother would work a little more frequently, even though she also understands why, at this stage in her life, she shouldn't have to. From where I sit, having those feelings is perfectly understandable. The question is whether Abreu should have written about them on a web site like Babble. Some of the commenters said no way, using pretty harsh language.

"It's pretty sad to see someone so lacking in honour that she's willing
to make her living writing article after article (this isn't her first,
Google her name) about how horrible it is to have her mother living
with her," writes MotherofThree. "I call 'em like I see 'em, and this person? Is revolting."

Yikes. Another:

"If this article is the first time you've aired your grievances about
your mom to her face, you'll be lucky if she doesn't move out and leave
you to your own devices. You owe her an apology," says MoreAnon.

Other commenters were more understanding:

"The author of this article just wrote what a lot of family members are
all thinking — it is hard to take care of another family member and
sometimes it gets so bad you do have regrets for helping them," writes patra. "Until
all you Debbie Downers on this post actually step into the author's
shoes and walk around in them, please don't judge."

Every writer, especially those in the personal essay realm, question exactly how much information they should reveal about their friends and relatives. Anytime a writer can draw on specific details from his or her own life, that makes the piece more powerful. The dicey part is deciding when one of those details goes too far or might hurt a loved one's feelings.

I don't know Shelley at all, but I bet she considered all of those issues before she wrote this. And while not everyone may agree with her decision to go ahead and publish it, we shouldn't assume that she's a selfish, petulant person who doesn't give a damn about her mom's feelings. If she were, I'm betting that she wouldn't be doing her best to take care of her in the first place. We know the words she wrote. We don't know her heart and — as fired up as the blogosphere might get — we shouldn't pretend to. People who live in glass blog comment forums shouldn't throw virtual stones. Or something.

The hope any writer has when he or she digs deep and lays bare something very personal is that it will connect with someone. Another person will read those words and realise she is not alone. While Shelley's story infuriated some, it also seemed to strike a chord in others.

"I think that the people judging the author so harshly perhaps have
never been in a similar situation themselves," writes a commenter referred to as "I." "I had three grandparents
and a granduncle living with my parents and myself at various times in
a small three bedroom ranch house … It's so easy to be judgmental, but it's not so easy to balance the
needs of elderly relatives and young children at the same time under
the same roof."

Honestly, I see the honour in shutting up and not saying anything that could be perceived as negative about one's mom. But as a writer, I also see the value in — for the right reasons — being extremely honest about a tough personal situation in order to educate and buoy the spirits of others. The question is whether that second goal has been achieved. And, as the commenters on this feature demonstrate, that's a judgment only the readers can make.