Should You Take A Risk On Orgasmic Birth?

The other night I caught a 20/20 (yes people still watch 20/20) on Orgasmic birth. Having read Babble, you’re probably aware of orgasmic birth. If not, here it is: orgasmic birth is pretty much what it sounds like, having orgasms during the birth process. You know, instead of pain. Just you and your partner, making out in a kiddy pool in your living room until you climax the kid right on out. Sounds fantastic, sign me up. Makes sense, the female parts the baby passes through are the same that got stimulated to make the baby in the first place. One problem though: how do you turn a process that causes the worst pain ever for 99.999999999999999% of the female population into the most sensual and pleasant?

Fairy Dust and Unicorn Wishes?

Well no, but the expert on the segment said the key to having an orgasmic birth is to completely re-imagine your concept of pain. You see, apparently if we expect pain, as is the case with women when they think about birth, then pain is what you’ll get. However, if you tell yourself it won’t be painful (and stay away from that scary, unsexy hospital) your excruciating pain will magically transform into that one crazy night you spent with that Swedish dude in a hot tub gobbling Quaaludes.

Here’s the problem I foresee. You’re down with orgasmic birth. You want the whole package and look forward to getting your groove on come baby time. You do the Scientology thing and erase all negativity you associate with birthing. You fill the kiddy pool, light some candles, break out the relaxation CD and get on your hands and knees waiting for the pleasure to begin.

And then something does begin. A horrible, mind-splittingly agony. Now if this, in your experience, is how orgasms normally go, congratulations. Otherwise, you’re probably screaming “FUCK! Fuckity, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck, motherfucker, super fuck, double dutch shit fucking fuck” (I’m paraphrasing). All your meditation and good intentions failed you and now you are stuck with a horrifyingly un-orgasmic birth.

This is the risk you take when you try venturing down OB road. Maybe that’s not a problem. Maybe you planned natural birth anyhow. If not, you’re probably feeling pretty damn cheated and want to take the face of every one of those smirking woman in those orgasmic birth videos and smash them into a searing cast iron skillet for tricking you into believing that shoving a thanksgiving turkey out your fun hole could be sexy.

So, considering all this, does orgasmic birth still entice you? Are you willing to take the risk that you will not become “clear” enough to transform the pain?

Catch the pro OB facts at www.orgasmicbirth.com