Infant Hair Protector Offensive To Bald People

Once again, a real-life press release sounds like something out of The Onion.

Stay-at-home Mom Invents “Infant Hair Protector” to Prevent Infant Baldness

Yeah. That’s what it says. I couldn’t make this stuff up.

The product is the Baby Walton. $US24.99 plus shipping and handling, available in blue, cream and pink.

Unintentionally funny is the “About” page:

What causes infant baldness?
During the early stages of life, infants spend a considerable amount of time sleeping. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends placing infants on their back to minimize the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Unfortunately, this practice frequently causes a bald spot to appear on the back of an infant’s head, especially if an infant’s hair and scalp are dry.

The inconvenience! Unsightly baldness caused by those killjoys at the AAP telling us how to prevent SIDS!

The site also makes that ever-suspicious promise to help your little one “regrow” their hair; I think that’s because it isn’t rubbing off anymore, not because the Walton has Rogaine in it. Even so, it still sounds cheesy. Why not just call it “Hair Club For Babies”?

Reminds me of the Thong Huggies parody from SNL. “I hate that unsightly bulge from my child’s diaper!” Except that was a joke. This is real.

I know some people have entrepreneurial zeal. I think it would be better to look for something that is actually a problem, and then look for a solution to that problem. Or, in the immortal words of Homer Simpson, take an existing product and put a clock in it. Even that would be better than trying to convince people that “infant baldness” is an actual problem, and then selling them a piece of plastic for 25 bucks.

And what’s so wrong with being bald? Huh? Huh? What are you trying to say? Bald babies are just as cute as hairy babies! Maybe cuter! Lots of people think bald babies look more distinguished! At least, that’s what they tell me…