Ringtone Increases Breast Size

A researcher in Japan thinks he may have found a way to give women bigger boobs without invasive surgery or weight gain. They just have to download a very specifically engineered ringtone to their mobile and let 20 to 40 calls per day work their magic.

What sort of sound could possibly perk up and pop out your sagging girls?

A baby’s cry, naturally.

Hideto Tomabechi, researcher of artificial intelligence and the mind, wants to show that sounds affect more than just the mind — they also affect our bodies. So he took a recording of a crying baby and stripped it down to its essential sounds. He hypothesises (generalisation alert!) that women will respond physiologically to the recorded sound of a crying baby in the same way they respond to the real sound. By responding so frequently, their breasts will grow.

Does he mean women all over Tokyo are going to be letting down every time the phone rings? Or do women respond in some way to babies’ cries that I’m not aware of. I’m willing to concede that I (and my lactating boobs) respond physiologically to the sound of a crying baby … NOW … ever since having my first. But before ever having kids, I’m not entirely convinced I could even tell the difference between a crying baby and, say, an angry cat. Besides, if all it takes is a baby’s cry, I should look like Pamela Anderson by now.

Of course, this Tomabechi guy is the same man authorities called on to de-program the Aum Shinrikyo cult members (of sarin gas on the subway fame), and he’s held up as some kind of mad genius. So maybe the nation’s dissatisfied flat-chested should download the baby wails and answer the call to a more confident and happier you.

Photo: NoiseAddicts.com