How To Raise Boys to Respect Women
Posted by Amber Robinson at 3:56 PM on May 12, 2009
The National Rugby League is under fire today, after the airing of an extraordinary Four Corners documentary last night lifting the lid on the culture of sexual assault and group sex in the sport.
Particularly troubling was the case of a young girl called Clare, who has become suicidal after a sexual encounter in a hotel room with members of the Cronulla Sharks NRL team in 2001.
After going back to a hotel room with two players, she soon found herself surrounded by ten more, all engaging in sexual acts. ‘Clare’ does not indicate that she consented to the group activity, yet all men present said that she did. Of those involved, she remembers Matthew Johns, “footy legend”, TV presenter and married father of two, the most. He was allegedly there from the beginning and egged on the other players.
Matthew Johns is now in hiding at a beach resort with his family, Clare continues to suffer from Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder, and NRL chief David Gallop is frantically trying to maintain control of the code, despite a seeming never-ending string of sexual assault allegations.
The documentary was chilling viewing and I urge readers to watch a replay on ABC’s iView service or at least read the transcript. While much can — and has — been said from a feminist perspective on the issue, I have spent the day thinking about how to raise my son to not only have respect for women, but confidence to stand up to other men who degrade them.
A clip from a training session for new NRL recruits in the documentary was very revealing about the attitude some young men view sexual assault. It seems that some boys hold the view that if a woman flirts with one or more men she is “up for it”, and that consenting to sex with one man gives an open invitation for his mates to join in. Indeed, Simon Williams, NYC Rugby Player intimated that assault was fine as long as you are nice about it afterwards.
“It’s not during the act, it’s the way you treat them after it. Most of them could have been avoided, if they had put them in a cab and said thanks or that sort of thing not just kicked her out and called her a dirty whatever. It’s how you treat them afterwards that can cover a lot of that stuff up.”
Okay…. So it seems we have a long way to go. If my son was a teenager, I would watch the show with him and discuss the issues. However, he is only a toddler. He does have a great role model in his father, and will grow up in a house where women are treated with respect. We hope to teach that sportspeople are not Gods, and that it is just as cool to be a scientist as a footy player. We hope to teach him that no means no, and that silence does not mean yes.
What are you teaching your son?
Unfortunately Amber you are the stereotypical feminist who suffers from the, “i hate men” syndrome you like to sweep the promiscuity of teenage women under the carpet and call it gang rape.
So now we have this poor girl who nearly a decade after the fact has come out for some publicity, i must admit it’s real academy award type stuff !
She has to live with the fact that placed herself in that situation, voluntarily. There is a name for girls like her it was invented in the 60’s
GROUPIE, live with it.
If she wants publicity, Rodney, why has she not revealed her name or face? Nor has she been paid. Had you actually watched the program last night, and I somehow doubt you had, you would be under no illusion that she consented to all those players coming in to the room. They were climbing in the window for goodness’ sakes.
Note that the comments attributed to Simon Williams are reported to have been selectively edited, in that he was referring to the lessons from a video that was screened in the education programme, NOT the allegations made in the 4 corners show.
Before you join the chorus of people publicly grouping a young man in a classroom of being guilty of the same things as tilse, johns, etc. please pause to consider that what you thought you saw may not be a true reflection of who this guy is and what he thinks.
Any intelligent person who watched the Four Corners program could only conclude that a large majority of the men involved do not understand or respect young women. Young people – male and female – make mistakes, however physically hurting another person is never acceptable behaviour. Rodney, like most football fans I am aware of the presence of “groupies”, however even these women have a legal (and ethical) right to consent or decline sexual advances.
This program has just hit the tip of the iceberg that is the sexual inequality that is in Australia today. If the whole league needs to be taken down in order for woman to be treated equally then it is a small price to pay. As an itellegent, married woman I am subjected to sexual descrimination everyday; at my work, playing sport and on the street. Being talked over, disregarded in decisions, wolf whistled at just plain treated as a sex object while trying to play a serious sport. I will teach my sons to treat women fairly, but the rest of society will destroy my efforts. Mother’s teaching sons is not enough the whole country needs to wake up about their attitudes towards women.
This is an interesting and complex issue, and I applaud your view. We can say all we like about these public figures, but it is only when we as a society look at what we can do to create a change. As parents, siblings, mates, we can challenge the attitudes that condone this, but it’s not an easy or socially acceptable task.
I agree with Jennifer. I think that the football culture is the extreme end of a larger Australian cultural trend of inequality. We idolise these men who play a sport well, class them as gladiators and heros. Yet we barely see a scrap of women’s sport on TV. I think that if these men can’t act with integrity and moral repsosiblity when they are in the public eye, then they shouldn’t be there. Or should at least be called for what they really are!
Yet one more reason to protest the ridiculous deification of professional athletes.
And what, in the name of all that is Holy, is Rodney’s problem? Commenting that teaching men to respect women and that there is more to sexual assault than being nasty to a woman after sex makes one a radical man hating feminist? I guess that makes me one, which comes as something of a shock to me.
I admit I do find it odd that the young woman in question has waited so long to make an issue of this point, and I do note that her former co-worker claims that she didn’t decide it was such a bad night until considerably after the fact, but hey, 189 year olds do stupid stuff, it part of the nature of the beast. But for my money, married footballers, allegedly adult and disciplined “elite” athletes don’t impress me by engagining in group sex, whether the woman in question is consenting or not. I am sure that many have observed the various possible conections between low self esteem, group sex, peer pressure and, I’ll say it, repressed homosexuality that simply drips from every facet of this story. But I suppose for people like Rodney, pointing out the bloody obvious, that these are not the actions of men worthy of respect, makes me little better than a blasphemer or iconoclast, and that in Australia its absolutely imperative that our professional athletes be cosseted and protected from any sort of contact with the real world and common social values, lest the rapid movement of a sudden gust of wind damage them irrepairably or something.
So lets please continue pretending that when 10 footballers have group sex with a foolish 19 year old, she is the only person at fault, and that when professional footballers smash glass bottles into the faces of their girlfriends’ it is clearly reasonable and the woman provoked the poor guy into doing it.
Check out the sex ads on every commercial TV channel late at night then tell me those same TV channel personnel are serious about “having more respect for women”….