My ten-year-old son storms into my bedroom, plants his feet, fixes his eyes on me and bellows, "I can’t take it anymore. He won’t stop banging his drums when I’m trying to play Guitar Hero! Can you pleeeeeeeease help me? Now?"
"Sure — just give me two secs."
He huffs back towards the playroom, glancing over his shoulder at me to make sure I am on my way to save him from his younger brother. A typical exchange between mother and son, with one exception: I am completely naked.
He caught me coming out of the shower at the precise moment when the wet towel went up on the hook and I was figuring out what to wear that day. The bedroom door was open and I was rooting through my underwear drawer, still bare when confronted with his urgent problem. Yet neither one of us skipped a beat. I may as well have been standing there in a full-length parka, boots and a hat. It was a non-event for both of us.
Later, I ask my husband, "Do you think it’s creepy that I still let the boys see me without clothes on?"
"It’s not creepy. It’s not like you prance around or anything."
"So, as long as there is no prancing, it’s okay?"
"I think so."
"What about when they’re teenagers?"
"You might want to rethink things then."
But I didn’t want to rethink things. There are certain inalienable rights associated with the family. For me, nudity is one of them.
My feelings are not political. I am not taking any sort of stand on freedom of expression. And I’m certainly not making bold statements about "not being ashamed of my body." At thirty-nine years old, I clearly sport some body parts that are worthy of a little shame. But these are the humans to whom I am the closest in the entire world. If, so to speak, they are the fruit of my loins — why should I have to rush to cover said loins?
A strong case can be made that when your children are toddlers, nudity is not negotiable. When flying solo with my kids, my trips to the bathroom and showers were rarely unaccompanied. Doors were never locked. Unfettered access was a safety issue. But somewhere around age four or five, that argument no longer holds water. It’s at that point that parents choose how they want things to be.
I chose not to cover up — and am sticking with that decision — because paranoia regarding nudity in my own home feels repressive. Yet, it remains an incredible quandary for me and the countless other parents who have young children of the opposite sex. My husband can walk around the house totally starkers for the rest of his life without question or judgment because his parts match our children’s. My sister, the mother of two daughters, can do the same. Yet, as a mother of brothers, my nakedness might be questioned. It feels unfair.
Fathers of daughters have it far worse. The stigma of who is and who isn’t a sexual predator falls heavier on men. I find myself thinking often of The Good Mother, the Sue Miller novel turned movie with Diane Keaton and Liam Neeson, in which a mother’s custody is threatened when her young daughter sees her boyfriend naked, and asks to touch his penis. The boyfriend, with actually the best intentions, agrees and all hell breaks loose. Clearly, in this scenario a line was crossed. But who draws the line?
Nudity in the family falls under the same guidelines as how long to breastfeed, how much TV gets watched or whether sugar cereal is available for breakfast. It varies by family and, I imagine, lines up very closely to what the parents experienced as children. I remember seeing both my parents naked when I was a child — never out of context and never in an inappropriate way. I don’t feel the least bit scarred by this. Conversely, married friends of ours who were both raised in conservative households never saw their parents naked. Consequently, they are never unclothed in front of their own children. I suspect they stay covered up in front of the family pets, too.
Expert opinions on this particular topic may be out there, but finding them online is another story. I went to Google "nudity, children" and then thought twice before hitting "I’m Feeling Lucky." I don’t need the social services showing up in my kitchen. But my concern speaks directly to how stigmatized we have become.
Truth be told, I am not immune to the moral barometer. To wit, showers with Mummy were at one point a special treat for my little guys. There was nothing inappropriate about this activity whatsoever, in my opinion. I washed their hair, made bubbles, and helped rinse. They didn’t wash me. But one day, I noticed that they were tall enough that eye level for them was crotch level on me. And the shower stall does not leave a great deal of room for personal space. That was the day the Mummy showers stopped.
While I still hold my ground on my right to be naked around my kids, I do think there are certain parameters by which to abide:
1) I will not force my nudity on my children. Except for the rare occasion when I need to retrieve some critical article of clothing from the downstairs laundry room and decide to make a dash for it al fresco, my nakedness will remain in the bedroom and bathroom, where I have a right not to be paranoid about it. If they stumble upon me in a state of undress, so be it. If they don’t want to get an eyeful — they will learn to knock.
2) I will never be naked in front of their friends. I do not aspire to be a Mrs Robinson-type figure. When guests are in the house, I will stay covered.
3) If I am going to put myself out there like that, I am going to have to be willing to answer their questions when asked. So far, there haven’t been that many queries, but I probably should practise saying the word "vagina" a lot more.
4) No touching, tickling, hugging, kissing, back scratching or wrestling naked. Now, while these are activities that we do engage in regularly when everyone is dressed, doing any of these things while clothes are off feels highly inappropriate. So it probably is.
5) Lastly and most important, I will trust my gut. We ask our own children to do that when it comes to protecting themselves. When something doesn’t feel right — it almost certainly isn’t. My choice to let my kids see me naked is always reversible. I can just simply start covering up. (For the record, I don’t think the same can be said if your children have never seen you nude and you suddenly decide to expand their horizons.)
I would never judge another parent who is uncomfortable with nudity. I would ask her to do the same with me. With all the horrible things we hear happening to children, it is no wonder we have become a society of overly paranoid parents. It is one thing not to trust others with your children. It is another thing not to trust yourself. The fact that my son doesn’t bat an eye at my unclad body suggests that I am raising an uninhibited child who has the highest level of comfort with his mother. And, in my opinion, there isn’t anything creepy about that.
Article photo courtesy Amanda Holden
Great job and I believe you and your children are/will be better for it. In our home we also lived this way and with a daughter growing up. She thought nothing of it, nor us of her. She is an adult now and still confides in us on every topic you can imagine and a level of trust that parents often say they want. She lives ten hours away and still we talk to each most days.
Great article. I think you are on the right track, and you may open a few minds to considering and agreeing with your position.
I think you can trace a lot of the sexual mis-conduct, or perhaps eventual illegal sexual activity to a lack of exposure to nudity while growing up.
We have whole generations of kids taught to have and express shame about their own bodies, their silblings and their parents. Remember the furor over Janet Jackson’s nipple? The fascination with Britney Spears lack of underwear….the “upskirting” video phenomenon? All are products of our national phobia with bodies in general and breasts, pubic hair and penises in particular.
If all these body parts were a little more commonly seen, and seen as just normal human parts…perhaps some of the shame and perversity would receed.
Thanks for an interesting view point. I think your boys will appreciate it, and so will their girlfriends and children in the future.
Robert
There is a lot of evidence to suggest that it’s kids who are never exposed to adult nudity and are not encouraged to talk about their bodies using the correct terms who are far more vulnerable to sexual abuse. The more we talk about and normalise our bodies, the harder it is for a predator to convince our children that sexual abuse is a “secret” to be kept from mum and dad.
Showering with kids is a great way to start talking about body parts and difference between boys and girls etc. It is also a good introduction to the idea of puberty when pubic hair is noticed and discussed!
My daughter is only 4 and showers with her dad and I all the time, as I did with my parents. We were all naked around each other until my brother and I hit puberty and got embarrased about our bodies (as pre-teens do!) but our parents were never secretive about their bodies and I feel like we had a pretty natural, healthy approach to our bodies.
being naked is natural and we shouldn’t have to hide it especially within our own family. As for walking around the house naked, though, we try to teach our little one not to do that right from the start.