I Dread Pick-Up At Pre-School!

Dear Dr Happy

My daughter and I get along well most of the time – we sometimes even laugh and dance and sing together, which is great fun. But I’ve started back at work full-time, now, so she has to go to pre-school five days a week for 10 hours a day. Which is fine, I suppose – it’s just that every afternoon, precisely five minutes after we’ve been reunited, we both lose it on each other! Yesterday, we came out of the pre-school gates and she ran toward a super-busy main road, laughing and looking behind herself at me. I told her to stop, but she kept on going, faster and faster and laughing more manically, until I virtually screamed at her to stop and ran after her, grabbing her little arm and yelling in to her face about how dangerously she was behaving. She started crying and calling for Daddy and I, admittedly angry, now, roughly put her into her stroller. I fumed all the way home (for 20 minutes) while she sobbed and cried for her dad. It’s got to the stage now, where I don’t look forward to picking my daughter up from pre-school at all – in fact, I dread it. How can I sort this awful problem out? – Annoyed (With Herself) Mum

Dear Annoyed (with yourself) Mum

Let me begin by reassuring you that this is a very common problem. In fact, my wife and my daughter went through a very similar phase not that long ago; and it became apparent, when she discussed her difficulties with other mums, that she most definitely was not on her own here.

Why does this happen so often? Because we all get tired! Especially for your little girl, 10 hours at day care is probably pretty exhausting. I’m sure they have some rest or quiet time but even still, there’s no doubt that being among all those other children and playing and running around for all that time would be very stimulating and very tiring.

Add that to the fact that our children don’t have anywhere near the level of skills we’d sometimes like them to have for emotional regulation and as every parent knows, tired children are often difficult children.

Before moving on, let’s not also forget that you’ve just started back at full-time work and so I’m guessing that you’re probably quite tired at the end of the day as well. Even though you’re an adult, and even though your ability to manage and regulate your emotions might be somewhat better than your daughter’s, we’re all human and when we’re tired we tend to get a bit more irritable which means small things tend to upset us when they normally wouldn’t.

So, how can you sort out this problem?

Well let’s begin by recognising that it is what it is and that it is, partially, a normal part of busy parenting. Please don’t be too hard on yourself, or your daughter, but look to address this as effectively as you can.

What I’d then suggest is that you imagine what a great pick-up would be like. If everything went beautifully when you collected your daughter from pre-school, what would that be like? What would you be like? What would you be feeling and thinking and doing etcetera?

Then, ask yourself what you need to do to put yourself in a position where this can actually occur.

For example, would it be helpful to create some sort of buffer in between your work and pick up? Could you find even just five minutes or so to relax, to turn off your ‘work brain’ and to file away all your work worries and then focus on being a mother again instead of a ‘worker’? This could be a formal relaxation or meditation session, or just an informal few minutes in which you take some time to just reflect and refocus and just ‘be’.

In addition, what’s something you can do to make that first moment as positive as possible? Is there a toy or a book or a type of food that if you gave it to your daughter would allow her a ‘break’ or buffer and which, therefore, might allow her to do something similar (e.g. switch off the stimulation of school and calm down into a more appropriate state for heading home)?

Throughout all of this, don’t forget to ensure your expectations are realistic. In my latest book, “100 Ways to Happy Children: a guide for busy parents”, I constantly urge readers not to have unrealistic expectations of their children or of parenting. The reality is that kids will, at times, be difficult and that parenting is, at times, extremely difficult. Nothing will make this most challenging AND rewarding job easier or perfect. But what can help is to focus on the positives and address any problems in a constructive way, finding solutions as best you can as often as you can.

But what about you? Do you have any tricks up your sleeve to make the pre-school pick-up a more positive experience for both mum and kid?

Dr Happy (Dr Timothy Sharp) is a clinical and consulting psychologist, and the founder and CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) of The Happiness Institute. He’s the bestselling author of “100 Ways to Happy Children: a guide for busy parents” and “100 Ways to Happiness: a guide for busy people”. For more information about The Happiness Institute you can visit the website at www.thehappinessinstitute.com