Dear Dr Happy
My nearly-three-year-old daughter seems to prefer my husband to me – and she makes it very plain, indeed. When I go to pick her up from day-care, she cries and says: ‘Daddy! I Want Daddy!’ Apart from it being really embarrassing, it also breaks my heart! I’ve been back at work now for about a year and before, when I was at home all day with her, she’d still reserve her cutest smiles and hugs and kisses for her dad whenever he used to get home. Then, I put it down to me being the boring one she saw all day – sometimes trying to be the disciplinarian – and Daddy was the novelty, the one who wasn’t around as much as me and therefore infinitely more interesting. Plus, she never saw him stressed or annoyed or frustrated with her. But now, the time we spend with her is pretty much equal and she STILL likes him more than me. I know it sounds weird and wrong, but I’m starting to get jealous and resentful, now. Why doesn’t she like me – or, more to the point, why doesn’t she like me as much as her dad?
Yours,
Unloved Mum
Dear Unloved Mum,
First, let’s change your name. Dear Mum who I’m sure is loved…as I’ve said in response to others who’ve written in with questions in the past, your emotional reaction to this (not uncommon) situation is, I can say reassuringly, quite normal and appropriate. That doesn’t mean, however, that it’s helpful (for you or for your daughter) so let’s address a few of the issues you raise in turn.
To begin with, love should not be a competition. A child’s love for her mother and father should never be compared. I know this can be hard sometimes but love is quite simply, love, and it will be different for different people at different times.
Which brings me to a second point; children’s love for their parents often cycles and often goes through stages. At the moment, your daughter might be tending more towards her father but I’m pretty sure, as long as you don’t scare her away, that she’ll drift back to you at some point in time (and then she’ll probably bounce backwards and forwards on a regular basis over the next twenty years or so!). For now, I suggest that your focus should be on ensuring that when she is with you, the experience is as positive as possible. As a parent myself, one of the things I’ve learned is that we can’t control everything our children do but we can control (or at least we can try to learn to control) how we respond to what our children do. At the very least, you have two options, you can respond to her current behaviour by sulking and showing your distress OR you can continue, as best you can, to be positive and loving.
At the same time, I’d encourage you to enjoy the fact that your daughter clearly loves her father. At the risk of repeating myself, love should not be competitive so please try to appreciate the positive relationship your husband and your daughter have rather than viewing it with envy or jealousy.
Finally, a little bit of humour often goes a long way so try to find fun and funny ways to respond to her comments or actions. If, for example, she greets you at pick up time with something like “I want Daddy” you could always reply with “well so do I” and then start to talk about how you’re both going to enjoy time with Daddy tonight and what you can do to greet him when he gets home etcetera.
I hope this doesn’t sound too self-promoting but hey, why not…you’ll find some more ideas in my latest book “100 Ways to Happy Children: a guide for busy parents” but in short, as difficult as it might seem sometimes, I suggest your best bet is to do whatever you can, whenever you can to make as many of your interactions and conversations with your daughter as positive as you can. That way, she’ll be more likely to come around to showing her love for you more often and more overtly.
Best of luck and lots of luv…Dr. Happy!
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