Honey, We Wrecked the Kids!

We’re all wondering what’s wrong with the kids of today. Why can’t they amuse themselves, behave themselves and do things for themselves? Why is there so much bullying, disrespect, vandalism, drug taking, sexualised behaviour and violence?

Our generation didn’t behave this way, we reminisce proudly. We did as we were told, respected ourselves and others, worked hard and went to bed at a reasonable hour. We didn’t stay out clubbing ’til five in the morning, trash the streets with litter and graffiti, drink until we couldn’t stand up, harass people at train stations and dress like porn stars.

WE were great! And besides, today’s kids have everything. They should be so grateful to us that they wouldn’t even think of stepping out of line!

They have all the things we could never dream of having as kids; mobile phones, iPods, X-boxes, DVDs, Internet, pay TV, Twitter, Facebook, air conditioners, alco-pop, shopping malls, credit cards, ‘Schoolies’ at the Gold Coast and fast food galore.

Our homes have every domestic device known to humankind. The kids don’t share bedrooms, nor wash and dry dishes, nor chop kindling for the fire, nor mend their clothes. No shoes to polish, no leaves to rake, no rain to walk to school in (they don’t walk to school anyway), few dinners cooked from scratch, no boring old sandwiches in the lunchbox, no hand-me-down clothes and few siblings to share with.

If they have extra-curricular activities (and even toddlers do these days) they are driven there — no matter what age. Big, strapping lads lurch out of their mums’ 4WDs for a gruelling session at footy training (only to be picked up again by mum at the end of it all). They do have bikes, of course, but these are not for transport — they’re simply for recreation.

Unlike our parents before us, we actually talk to our kids. We relate to them. We like them to think we’re cool. We don’t have harsh rules. We want our kids to like us so we ask for their opinions and we do as they say. Why, we’ve even written bogus ‘sick notes’ to their teachers and bailed them out of mobile phone debt! We’ve let them host parties (so we could be ‘responsible’ and keep an eye on their drinking – oh, and we’ve bought the grog too). And we’ve defended them when the neighbours accused them of vomiting in their front yards. We’ve been the best parents ever! What more could they possibly need?

But if we’ve done such a great job, why do they thumb their noses at our rules, treat our homes like giant rubbish bins (or drop-in centres), eat so much junk their arteries must be popping, ignore our advice and generally cause us so much worry and angst?

Well, do you want the good news or the bad news?

The good news is that you should get an award for being so patient, hardworking and benevolent. The bad news is that said award is unlikely to be forthcoming any time soon (not unless the kids can borrow a few bucks from you to buy it).

And the second bit of bad news is that you have made this rod for your own back. Yes, you! And well, yes, me too, I have to admit.

I know you don’t want to believe that all your effort and sacrifice might be the very reason for the kids behaving badly in the first place. None of us wants to think we have done a lousy job at the most important role of all — being a parent. We all love our kids and want the best for them. We’ve even mistakenly thought that giving them everything they want is the way to do that — but we are very wrong about that.

And here’s why.

Our kids don’t need ‘stuff’; they need love and guidance much, much more than any toy, gizmo or outfit.

They don’t need us to be ‘cool’; they need us to be grown-ups. (Besides, trying to be cool can be very uncool!)

They don’t need us to defend them when they muck up; they need us to help them understand where they went wrong and how to make amends.

They don’t need us to do everything for them; they need us to teach them how to be independent and resourceful. In any case, their bodies are younger and fitter than ours!

They don’t need us to agree with everything they say and do; they need us to show them how to stick to your own rules and values — even if it makes you about as popular as Britney Spears at a Metallica concert.

They don’t need us to let them watch whatever they want on TV; they need us to show them what is appropriate for their age and stage of maturity.

They don’t need us to feed them junk food; (they already know their way to KFC anyway!); they need us to promote healthy eating and share with them the skill of cooking.

They don’t need us to drive them everywhere; walking is good exercise and a great way to socialise, learn independence and check out the boys!

They don’t need us to sanction underage drinking; they need us to encourage them to socialise in healthier ways — even if that means not socialising too much with alcohol ourselves! Ouch!

They don’t need us to encourage negative views of school (“You have waaaay too much homework, Jimmy! I’m going down there to give them a piece of my mind!”); they need us to reinforce respect for the system that supports them to learn and achieve.

They don’t need us to turn a blind eye when they walk out of the house in a skimpy, gravity-defying dress and the kind of eye-makeup we haven’t seen since the KISS years; they need us to let them know that the way we dress (whether we like it or not) does send messages to others — and sometimes not the ones we bargained for!

They don’t need us to buy them contraceptives when they hit puberty; they need us to help them develop self respect and a discerning attitude towards (eventually) sharing sexual intimacy.

They don’t need us to ignore a lazy or disinterested attitude; they need us to encourage them to contribute to their world and, ultimately, their own happiness and well being.

They don’t need us to let them do whatever they want; they need us to set sensible boundaries and to be consistent in our approach to discipline.

They don’t need us to be their ‘best friends’; they do need us to always be there for them, but they also need to form their own healthy friendships with peers.

And so, as we read all this, are we starting to feel a bit guilty yet? I know I am! And I’m sure lots of you can confess to at least one or two of these ‘sins’.

But, don’t despair. By even just considering this stuff, you are already well placed to make changes for the better. And if you are a new parent just starting out, lucky you! You have the benefit of all our mistakes to help you avoid the pitfalls.

Just remember there is no such thing as a perfect parent. (Thank goodness or I’m sure the rest of us would’ve slashed our wrists by now!) We do the best we can, with the help and advice that’s available at the time.

But for too long the advice has focused on the raising of clean, safe, well-fed, well-heeled kids with high self esteem; which is great and necessary — but is also really only half of the story. The other half is about the attitudes we are showing them.

It’s time for parents to become good role-models for their kids before it’s too late. We can’t rely on our education, government, police, medical, community or justice systems to pick up the pieces when we have failed our kids. It’s up to us to prevent it from happening in the first place.

The buck, I’m afraid, stops here!

Catherine Warnock is the author of “Hot Tips for Cool Parents: the key to raising awesome kids”(Connorcourt 2009) and writes a weekly newspaper column entitled “The Kitchen Philosopher”.