I’m a working mother of a 20-month-old girl. Recently I’ve been having a very hard time with the reality of being away from my daughter. It’s never been particularly easy, but now that my daughter can talk I can literally hear her call out for her daytime caregiver when she’s hurt or hungry instead of me. And it makes me so sad. Though I am glad she has great care during the day — she has had a really nice nanny since about eight weeks — I still feel like she’s missing a connection with her mum. I also worry whether she’ll have attachment disorder from the back and forth. I can’t leave my job so that’s not an option, but I would like to know if there’s anything I can do to make her feel more connected to me. I still breastfeed by the way. — Detached and Despondent

Dear D& D,

Clinical Attachment Disorders develop when an older baby/young child is repeatedly ignored, abandoned and/or abused. The basis of these disorders is Attachment Theory, which grew out of the study of orphans in post World War II Europe. These kids were so deprived of ANY responsive care giving whatsoever that they developed severe problems. We’re talking homeless kids in dark rooms with no one answering their cries. It’s super depressing and extreme stuff. And it’s not what’s happening to your daughter.

On the contrary, your daughter has a loving caregiver and a very connected, loving working mother. Hearing her call out someone else’s name can pull at a mother’s heartstrings. We’ve been there, and we know it’s not easy. But you are her mother. Her caregivers will flow in and out of her life — some will be consistent for years, some will be relatives, some will be short-term sitters. But you’ll always be there. You gave birth to her, you nurse her, you go to work, you come back.

Though more of us are working mothers than not these days, the idea of the mum as the only one who can be the primary caregiver 24/7 can be hard to shake off. In her book Mother Nature, anthropologist Sarah Hrdy explores, among other things, care giving across time and cultures. And guess what. It’s not just “natural” for a kid to be raised by a community of caregivers while the mother works, it can actually be good for them. It’s great if a baby/young child feels loved and cared for by a small or even large network of people. Young kids do develop primary attachments, but this can be with someone besides a mother. Like a dad. Or a grandmother. Or a caregiver. And they have room in their hearts for more than one. Many of us have two parents, after all. Completely random, massively inconsistent care is not good — and could, in extreme cases, lead to attachment issues — but a loving, regular nanny: absolutely fine.

It doesn’t sound like you need to do more to be connected but there are some things working mums do. Some co-sleep or continue nursing into the toddler years for some overnight bonding. Others push bedtime back a little in order to spend a couple/few hours with the child/ren after work. If she takes a whopper of a nap midday, she’ll be up past nine o’clock , no problem. This can get difficult once school starts, but a toddler’s sleep is usually more flexible.

As much as you may feel jealous of your caregiver — which is, by the way, a totally normal, understandable feeling — remember that a good, responsive caregiver is not taking away from your love. It’s just adding more, from another direction. If your daughter felt cranky and detached from her daytime sitter, she would probably call out your name more . . . but she wouldn’t be any better for it.

I‘m a full-time working mum who just got made redundant. At first I was excited about spending some time with my toddler while looking for a new position, but after two weeks I am FREAKING OUT. I don’t know what to do with him all day. Basic things are a mystery to me: is he eating enough? How do I get him to share at the playground? I’m bored and anxious and I feel like my kid is bored and anxious too! Am I the worst mother in the history of mothers? Please tell me I will get the hang of this one day. —

All Play and No Work Makes Mum a Little Crazy

Dear All Play,

There are a few things going on here.

One: you got laid off. You’ve been handed a life changer without asking for it. Your ego may be smarting a little from the blow, or reacting to the lack of known means of gratification at the office. This is a rough adjustment, even if it ends up being the best thing that ever happened to you.

Two: You’re in culture shock. Your day-to-day is totally, radically different. You’re not used to toddler time. You’re not used to toddler work. There are strollers and sandpits where there were CCs and staff meetings. You don’t report to anyone. It’s a bizzare new world.

And it’s a world you can’t totally evaluate while you’re in limbo. Your head is still spinning. Maybe you will settle into toddler time. Maybe you won’t. But right this second, you’re in the transit lounge, so it’s going to feel wrong (or at best weird) for a while.

Three: You’re looking for work. This means that the transition will remain a transition on one fundamental level. You are not settling into a new life as a stay-at-home mum. You are trying to enjoy a brief period with your kid before the next 9-5 comes around.

We think that you will probably get the hang of your life at home eventually. We’re all pretty adaptable. We’re confident you can figure out ways to get your kid to share. Or be okay with him not sharing. And you’ll find some comfort in the routines you create. But in order to do this you have to give yourself over to the moment just a tad. The fact that you’re in limbo is such a big part of the torture. We know mums are supposed to be "natural" multi-taskers but a little compartmentalising goes a long way. Make time in the day to give yourself entirely over to the slow rise and fall of the swing. Then choose other times to get online or otherwise inhabit your workforce self. In our experience, childcare is a lot more enjoyable when you can let go of the idea of everything else you’re not doing while you’re doing it.

Another idea for killing – sorry, enjoying! – this time: Do stuff with your kid that you actually like doing. Meet up with friends if you have any at home during the day. Take your kid out to lunch. Or bake something at home. Find a big field and play football. If it’s warm outside, go out and breathe the fresh air. If not, stomp in puddles. We have no idea what you’re into but there’s usually a way to find at least a couple of things that both you and your kid will enjoy. It may take some exploration to figure out what those are, but hey, you’ve got all the time in the world, for now. There are no rules to being a stay at home mum (or just playing one for a while). You get to make up your own job description, whether it’s a temporary or permanent position. Make it as fun a job as possible.

All of this may involve getting some help. Maybe your partner could be more involved. If you can scrape together some funds for help a couple/few times a week – some mornings or a couple hours in the afternoon – do it. Or pull in relatives if they are nearby. Having a break from full-time parenting is not just a money issue, it’s a mental health issue. You can even use snatches of this time for a little deserved R&R ? a yoga class or good novel is only going to make you stronger.

What about you lot out there? Got any advice for poor All Play to help her make the most of the time she will share with her toddler?

Dear White Diet,

Some toddlers do eat vegetables. Others have a seemingly inborn affinity for the white fluffy food group. We’re not sure what the evolutionary reason could be for sweet, processed junk. We do know families in which one kid loves kale and peas and the other demands Cornettoes three times a day. So if you happen to be worrying about whether your child’s limited diet is somehow your fault, there’s some ammo for the nature-over-nurture angle.

Before we even address how to handle your quandary, let’s start with this: Your kid will be fine. We know adults who have lived on this diet (substituting beer for broccoli) for upwards of 40 years. Do they look fabulous? No. Are they super healthy? No. Are they alive? Yep…last time we checked. We also know more than a handful of people raised on Frosties who later blossomed into Extreme Foodies, determined to eat the most outrageous ingredients on the menu.

It is of course a good idea — and some might say, your parental duty — to encourage a healthy diet. But even if all our genius suggestions fail – or you can’t be bothered to try them – your kid will be almost definitely be fine. Broccoli is one of the healthiest foods there is! They make hot dogs out of the most divine fortified, organic ingredients these days! Whoppers with cheese have plenty of protein! Fine, we tell you, fine.

And, she’s a toddler, which by definition means that in all likelihood, what she’s doing this month will be history the next. Picky eating is actually a developmentally appropriate phase for toddlers. Interestingly, it generally has little to do with food, and lots to do with trying to control the universe. If you’re two, there’s not much you can be the boss of, but you can have a say in what does or doesn’t go into your mouth. So you may not actually have a long-term picky eater on your hands, and your best bet may be to sit back and wait and see whether this habit fades.

But.

Should you decide that you’d like to attempt to nudge your child’s eating habits in a more diverse direction, we can give you some ideas.

1) First. You’ve probably heard this before, but we’ll repeat it because it is the golden rule of healthy eating habits: put the food out there for your kid, but do not insist he eat it. You don’t want meals to be battlegrounds. And you don’t want someone to eat the veggies only in order to get the dessert.

2) Try to engage your kid in the process. Have her help you shop. Cook. Garden, or show her pictures of other people gardening if that’s not an option. When kids are involved, they are less likely to feel as if things are being foisted upon them. And if they’re excited about what they’ve done to bring a meal from "farm to table," or any part thereof, they may completely forget to recoil in horror about the ingredients.

3) Don’t be afraid of flavour. We know many kid-nutrition experts recommend hard lining on veggies, serving naked greens to teach kids to love the natural flavours. While we agree that cauliflower should not be a delivery system for Ice Magic, we do believe in flavour enhancements: olive oil, parmesan, garlic, low sodium soy, butter. We like them on our side dishes, maybe your kid will too.

4) If you think your daughter might go for it, try for the fun factor. Some kids will eat anything with a smiley face on it. Others are too smart for this by the time they hit one and a half. But fun doesn’t have to mean anthropomorphised food. Some kids go for a fake fancy dinner, or colour coordination, or theme meals.

5) If you’re down with the smuggling approach, go for it. But you may be fine sticking with healthy versions of your kid’s core diet. Organic hot dogs on whole wheat buns, baked fries, macaroni and cheese with whole grain pasta; there’s a lot there, even without the holy grail of broccoli.

6) Supplements are also a possibility. There are lots of food-based options for kids now, which can be easier on the body. Talk to your doctor if you want more info.

7) Change up the dynamic: try foods at other people’s houses, or hang out with kids who are adventurous eaters. Who knows? A good example might tip the balance and open your kid’s mind.

You’ll have to keep your own mind open too. Don’t give up on foods the first time your toddler scoffs. Keep an eye on the circumstances and when your child seems most open to eating. Your daughter may be more inclined to eat new things if she’s really hungry. Now that it’s getting warmer outside, try feeding her dinner right after a big run at the park. Sometimes kids snack quite a bit or have a sedentary afternoon before dinner and then don’t have the appetite required for experimentation. We’re not sure when you eat, but some families find many aspects of the dinner ritual improve when eating time is moved up to about five pm.

9) You can play your part by showing her how much you enjoy trying new things. If she’s regularly hearing you say things like: “Mmmmm, I want to try one of those!” as you lean across a table of exotic items, she might start brewing her own curiosity. So, throw a few adventurous items into your bag next time you’re at Woolies and then loudly appreciate them at home.

Good luck and bon appetit!

Dear First Time,

We wish we could give you some hard math to help you with your decision, but the data is just not there. You may have caught this thorough, if ultimately frustrating, 2007 New Yorker piece on the lack of understanding of colic, including any possible genetic element. Most of the literature on the topic tends to show extraordinary empathy for the parents but little relief in terms of an actual explanation or cure. Sorry to say, our advice does not stray for from that norm.

The cause of colic remains a mystery. Still, there are a few things we do know and possibly a little perspective we can try to offer. Take it or leave it. We know this is extremely hard. Surviving colic is no joke.

First off, all babies are different, even when they come from the same set of parents. It sounds obvious, but many parents find they compare their second baby to the first with a hint of surprise in their voices, as if they really did expect a clone. (Clearly, it’s hard not to let previous experience guide you, whether that experience was good or brutal and near marriage-wrecking.) Maybe a non-colicky temperament will be one of many distinguishing features of the sibling? Maybe not.

We don’t know if colic is hereditary, but we do know that babies in general are less likely to have colic than not. The elusive condition known as colic affects about 20% of babies. You may also want to plug into the equation the widely circulated notion that second babies seem to be easier than first ones, at least according to anecdotal evidence. Of course, there are second babies who are complete hellstorms. There are no guarantees. Breeding is always a crap shoot.

Which brings us to a final data-pointless-point: All of us worry about how our babies will turn out, whether this is based on something we’ve (barely) lived through, or only heard about. Sometimes sucky things happen. And they’re not always the ones that kept us awake at night. Parenthood is all about living with the shadow of the ‘unpredictable outcome’, and we all find this condition more or less tormenting at various times. It’s all over us, and then it recedes. It never goes away. But, hey, it’s what makes us stronger! (Or at least tougher… if not grouchier.)

One thing that struck us in your letter was the clarity with which you expressed your desire for two children. We know of lots of parents who’ve debated the pros and cons of a second child for months or years. Some, like you, have scars from colic or sleep problems or feeding drama or a hard pregnancy or traumatic birth. Sometimes, the solution can be as simple as waiting it out a little more and letting amnesia work its wonders. The painful memories may linger, dissuading you from a dive back in. Or they may seem less scary as time goes on, and your urge for a second eventually transcends. We don’t want to belittle the pain. But it may be worth remembering, as you hash it out together, that your firstborn’s stormy past is just one piece of this puzzle.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory

Dear Spare Me,

The folks who make Botox state clearly that women should not use Botox if they are pregnant or think they are pregnant but regarding breastfeeding mothers, they say "Only your doctor can decide if BOTOX Cosmetic is right for you." In other promotional materials for Botox the language is similar, "every situation is different, so talk to your doctor."

So, the first part of the answer is: "only your doctor can decide." The second part of our answer is: only you can decide which doctor to go to. We’re fairly certain that you can get the answer you want to hear, though it may take a tour of several dermatologists’ offices.

The fact is, there has been no research on the effects of Botox on breastfeeding mothers and their breastfed babies. This scenario is the same with so many drugs that might be used during pregnancy and breastfeeding for a reason: testing on pregnant and lactating women is difficult, and some say, unethical.

We do know that although Botox is a serious toxin, only tiny amounts reach the bloodstream. It’s unclear whether any of it gets into the breast milk and if it does, what that would mean. Given the lack of concrete data, the tendency is to err on the side of caution. The standard approach for weighting the benefits and risks for drugs during pregnancy and breastfeeding usually goes something like: "Do I need this right now for my health and the health of the baby?"

The implication is that treatments for non-medical reasons don’t make the cost/benefit cut. In this spirit, Dr. Hale — a well-known expert in medications and lactation — posted on a professional message board: "I have some preliminary data that [Botox] does not penetrate into milk." He then goes on to say: "I do not recommend it for cosmetic reasons in breastfeeding mothers . . . they should wait until they finish breastfeeding. However, it is also commonly used for rectal tears. In this case it is probably justified."

You don’t specify why you’re interested in the treatment, but we’ll assume you don’t want to inject it into your butt to keep it from bleeding. A case could certainly be made to support the value of a youthful appearance to career, personal life, self-esteem, and probably a pile of other things. Whether that value trumps an unknown, if unlikely, effect on your baby is something for you and your trusty dermatologist to decide. And hey, if your baby needs a little help interpreting facial expressions later on, you can always get a highly theatrical babysitter.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com.au

Dear Detached,

Attachment Parenting is a wonderful concept: Follow these tenets, advocates say, and you’ll enjoy a bond with your baby that will transcend many of the usual troubles of childhood. The promise of everlasting love and connectedness is mighty appealing to any parent, especially a new one who’s anxious about just how to go about forging those bonds. And there are lots of very real benefits to breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, cue-reading, high parent-baby contact and other ingredients of the AP lifestyle.

Attachment Parenting works really well for a lot of people. We have dozens of friends who swear by it, and they’re happy and fulfilled and reasonably well-rested and their kids are awesome.  We’ve done some AP’ing ourselves, and loved it…most of the time. But, like most things, Attachment Parenting doesn’t work for everybody all the time. Some people fall in love with the AP philosophy, but find it difficult to implement — it feels too demanding, too claustrophobic, too exhausting, or too incompatible with the other important things in their lives. And these people, like you, often feel horribly guilty because part of the pitch for Attachment Parenting is that it’s better for your baby (and eventually, your child) than other kinds of parenting.  Which makes it really, really hard to switch gears without second-guessing yourself and worrying about how it might negatively affect your kid.

So here’s where you need to take a deep breath and a step back. If Attachment Parenting, as it’s written in books or practiced by your friends, isn’t working for you, it’s time to start free-styling. 

As we see it, the main problem with AP lit is the same as every other kind of Expert baby book: It’s too bossy, it’s too rigid, it doesn’t take into account the different circumstances of people’s lives. (Co-sleeping is one family’s heaven, and another one’s hell.) If the whole program taken to the letter works well for you — or well enough that you’re not resenting it — then great. If not, put aside what’s important to the philosophy, and think about what’s important to you.  You can decide which parts of the high-touch lifestyle matter most to you and your baby, and try making changes elsewhere. 

If you’re dreading going to bed at night (every night), move your baby to a crib. If your back is aching when you carry your son, put him in the stroller more often. AP advocates will be quick, and correct, to mention that there are back-sparing carriers — some are far better than others. But still, the stroller is a perfectly reasonable baby transport option. He may take a little time to get used to these changes (you might, too) but he will not be will not be scarred for life, or even temporarily.

What you’re going through right now is a common experience, if not a particularly publicised one.  There are people who find a style that works and stick with it, but more often than not, parenting styles evolve. This is your baby. You don’t need to follow somebody else’s set of rules.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com.au. Questions submitted may be used for publication.

Dear Just,

Women do have non-medicated births in hospitals. They really do. It happens. It’s happened to people we know. It’s happened to people we know who had hard labors, back labors, long labors, hellish inductions and lousy labor support. So it’s not impossible.

But going to the hospital and not taking the epidural can be like going to a pizza place on a low-carb diet. It can be frustrating. As one woman we know put it, “the only way I won’t get an epidural is to be far the f*ck away from it.” This is one reason women who are adamant about avoiding medication plan to give birth at home or in birthing centers where epidurals are not available.

The epidural is the hospital’s big offering when it comes to pain relief. When the agony kicks in, the resident will probably not suggest changing positions, massage your lower back and offer gentle encouragement. There probably will not be a tub. Unless you brought a birthing ball, you won’t have one to rock on. And the foetal monitor will likely be strapped around you for some period of time, limiting your ability to lean or sway or rock through contractions. But you will be offered medication. Probably more than once. The hospital staff wants to help, after all. And they all see, time after time, the relief on their patients’ faces when the drugs kick in.

What they don’t see a tonne of is a supported non-medicated birth. So, if you want that kind of experience you need to bring your own alternate labor strategies. These can include a really good labor doula, a supportive and knowledgeable partner, an understanding of and trust in birth (including the part about it hurting like hell) and whatever other tools for relaxing and focusing you may have gleaned from books, classes, or anywhere else. If you do birth in a hospital and definitely don’t want meds, stay at home until you are clearly in active labor. The later you get there, the less time there is to consider various interventions.

This is ultimately your choice. The hospital can’t force you to get an epidural. In fact, you’ll have to sign a consent form to have one. If you don’t want it, you don’t want it. The women who get epidurals get them because they want them — whether that was in the original birth plan or not.

We’re all about the real deal when it comes to what to expect. So we can see why your friends are giving you this “just face it” rap. It can be very disappointing to spend nine months mindfully meditating on your glorious drug-free birth and then come up against an environment that is not conducive to your plans. Being set up to fail is not good for anyone.

What is incredibly important is to remember that there is no failing here.

Your ideas about your birth before the fact are real and important. They’re also happening before you enter an unpredictable experience. So we urge you to be open to whatever means of coping seems right to when you get there. Meds are one of many tools for dealing with pain in labor. Learn what your options are and then do what you need to do at the time, whether or not it was what you had in mind in advance. Trust yourself: you’ll make the best decision you can based on the birth you get and what tools are available to you.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com.au. Questions submitted may be used for publication.

Dear ATEOMR,

It sounds like you’re stuck between a rock and a holier-than-thou place.

Our advice in this case is very straightforward. You need to get help. What you are experiencing is real and potentially dangerous — to you and your children. Your husband’s beliefs are real to him too, but it doesn’t sound like you necessarily share them, and it definitely doesn’t sound like they’re giving you the help you need in this situation. Whether or not it’s even possible for postnatal depression to be remedied by faith alone is questionable. But you don’t have time for questioning.

You need help. Now.

Perhaps if your husband is averse to formal psychotherapy, you could pursue a postnatal support group or a general new mum’s group and use that to segue into more personalised care if necessary. The group leader should be able to direct you to resources, or perhaps even help you work through some of your issues directly. It’s not clear how connected you feel to the spiritual side or what the belief system in play is, but perhaps it could be helpful to discuss your concerns with a religious leader. You’ll have to gauge whether you think this could be helpful or would simply reinforce your husband’s position. The denial of mental illness (or its interpretation as a moral failing) by the clergy is pretty common and can be an impediment on the path to care.

You may have more luck going straight to your GP, or even your child’s paediatrician, to say you’re worried about being depressed. Your children’s welfare is at stake, and depression is well within the purview of the medical profession. Some doctors are much better talking about these matters than others, so you may need to push a bit if you’re not getting a response — or look elsewhere.

Your husband’s attitude is almost definitely contributing to your depression. There’s quite a bit of research suggesting that postnatal depression is exacerbated, if not caused, by a serious lack of support. It’s one thing to feel overwhelmed, and another to feel that your concerns aren’t being taken seriously. To be called lazy on top of it adds a layer of antagonism that makes us worry.

We rarely suggest that one partner operate behind the other’s back. But if you have reason to believe that your husband will stand in the way of you pursuing help, we urge you to work around that, even if it means doing it without his knowledge. Are there other people in your community you can trust and lean on for emotional and logistical support during this time? Do you have friends who will care for your children while you seek counseling? Can you reach out online, or via a phone hotline? There are some great resources available to point you in the right direction for deeper support; we’ve listed some below. A phone call is a great place to start. There are many other wonderful mothers out there who have been through this before and can guide you to the kind of support you need.

Once you have reached a level of equilibrium for yourself, you can consider whether you want to go back to your husband and talk to him about his role in your emotional life. If he’s not hearing this cry for help, he may need to work on his listening skills.

Here are some excellent resources:

Beyond Blue is an amazing website that includes many links to other resources — groups, hotlines, books, etc.

Christian PPD Support offers help to a specifically Christian community.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com.au

Dear Mrs. McGinty,

Sure, babies are “supposed to be” plump and squishy. In fact, many parents worry considerably if their baby isn’t round with big cheeks and chubby little toes. We’ve all heard the expression “a big, healthy baby.” Acknowledging the bigness and chubbiness of a baby could be seen as an affirmation of vitality. If you were in sub-Saharan Africa, you’d be accused of bragging.

But in our culture, we have complicated feelings about being “chubby.” Especially when it comes to girls. You might say your relative has a chip on her shoulder, but it’s a pretty common chip in a world where fat is a liability. We can imagine why a mother calling her daughter chubby might send a shiver. And if Chubby’s loaded, Greedy Guts is downright hardcore. Now you’re bringing in appetite as an undesirable trait. (Guts doesn’t have particularly nice connotations, either.)

Many parents — even if they try their hardest not to — project a future appearance based on early impressions. People predict baldness, double chins, acne, ass shape, torso length, and upper body strength all from the shape of their squirmy, gummy infant. In this context, you can imagine how Chubby might be perceived as a projection of future fatness, rather than a term of baby endearment. Nicknames can also sometimes endure inadvertently, turning nasty later. The names behind your relative’s aforementioned shoulder chip may have emerged from similarly benign beginnings.

You may really mean this all in playful adoration of your daughter’s abundance. But it’s worth taking this opportunity to think about whether there might be something else going on. Are you afraid she will be fat? Do you have anxiety about your own weight? Most women do. We live in a very thin-obsessed and incredibly unhealthy culture when it comes to body image. It’s understandable that you’d want to protect your daughter from potential angst. Perhaps using those names somehow makes you feel like you’re fighting back against all that pressure. If that’s the case, we applaud your intention, but as she grows, you might consider something less easily misinterpreted. It’s true that she’s young now, but she’s learning every day. Why not start early with more positive messages?

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com.au

Dear Measles,

As parents increasingly choose not to vaccinate, this kind of scenario comes up more often; theoretical questions begin to feel practical. In communities where not all children are vaccinated, what are the risks?

The good news is that most of the diseases our children are immunised against aren’t real risks anymore; vaccines have been so successful that some horrific illnesses (like polio) have been all but totally eradicated. Without a breeding ground, the diseases can’t keep on keeping on. This is one reason people argue that it’s selfish not to vaccinate: is it ethical to reap the benefits of other people’s vaccinations without returning the favor?

We decided to ask Dr. Saha, the pediatrician who advised us on From the Hips about the specific risks.

His take: Polio may not be a problem, but some diseases are still around, including pertussis, pneumococcus, and haemophilus influenzae type B. If your child is being vaccinated on the schedule, he will have been largely immunised against these diseases already, even without the last shot in the series (which is due at 15 months). The measles and chicken pox vaccines are given at 12 months, so your son may actually have received these as well.

Chicken pox happens, but in babies it is not severe (not fun, but not dangerous). [Read more about the chicken pox vaccine here.] Measles is very, very rare. According to Dr. Saha, a baby is also protected from measles if his or her mother is immune (as a result of prior infection or vaccination) as the antibodies cross the placenta.

You can ask your son’s doctor whether she keeps to the schedule or uses her own, and let her know your concerns. She should have the best idea of where you are immunisation-wise, and be able to help you assess the situation from there.

Regarding whether or not to raise this issue with the other parent: What do you hope to accomplish? Do you want to learn about her choices? Debate them? Confront them? Knowing that the risk to your child is likely very minimal, it seems that a conversation might be more trouble than it’s worth.

Of course if you want to open up the debate for reasons beyond your own personal safety, fire away. It’s a free country, as they say. Just remember that it’s free for both of you. And that though your beliefs and methods may clash, you share the same goal: keeping your kids safe.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com.au