1. Shrek

Didn’t know this was based on a book, did you? You’re not missing much. The 1990 version written by William Steig is crudely drawn, and its ogre is missing the sweet inner onion layers of everyone’s favorite curmudgeon. Shrek onscreen makes a good show of being a beast, his gruffness aided and abetted by Mike Myers’ spot-on Scottish brogue. Shrek on the page is simply beastly, and proud of it. Stuck in the palace hall of mirrors, Steig’s ogre is shocked by the hideous creatures all around him — until he realizes they’re all him. “He faced himself, full of rabid self-esteem, happier than ever to be exactly what he was,” Steig writes. Bring back our self-effacing swamp settler and give us a double dose of donkey.

2. Bambi

If you thought mama deer getting blown away in the movie was harsh, try reading Bambi as told by Felix Salten. While Mom’s busy dying, Bambi is scrambling to get away and meets “a dying pheasant, with its neck twisted,” as well as Friend Hare’s wife, whose “hind leg dangled lifelessly in the snow, dyeing it red and melting it with warm, oozing blood. . . In the middle of her words, she rolled over on her side and died.” True to nature? Yes. Child appropriate? If you’re a fan of the “give my kids nightmares for a month” canon, then yes. Something stinks about this book, and it isn’t Flower.

3. Cinderella

The poor little orphan girl in the Disney movie has it rough there for awhile, but try being the Cinderella in the original Grimm’s Fairy Tale. Her dad was very much alive and totally blind to his witch of a second wife. When dad asks his daughter and stepdaughters what they want from one of his trips, he takes Cinderella’s wishes at face value and brings the stepmonsters pearls and jewels while the little cinder girl gets the branch from a hazel bush. Gee, thanks Dad, but the mice made better benefactors.

4. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966 version)

Now before you get your Dr. Seuss-loving panties in a bunch, it’s not that the book was bad. But we’re hard-pressed to imagine a time when the mean one wasn’t voiced by Boris Karloff. The animated flick redefined one of our Seussian favorites, and helped our heart grow two sizes. The Jim Carrey version, however — and we quote — “stink, stank, stunk.”

5. The Little Mermaid

Ursula the sea witch was a kind-hearted old soul next to the enchantress in Hans Christian Anderson’s original tale. He cut the tongue out of the mouth of the Mer-King’s youngest daughter and treated her with a potion that would let her retain her “graceful movements,” but make “every step [she took] cause [her] pain all but unbearable.” That Ariel of the Disney tale let go of her precious voice for the love of a boy is hard enough for parents of little girls to bear, but the lengths the original mermaid went to hook herself a man are best left in the 1800s, when the Anderson tale was written.

6. How to Eat Fried Worms

The 1973 book is a goofy send-up of little-boy antics, but Billy Forrester’s tender tummy and worm-eating quest finds real meaning in the 2006 flick about a new kid at school faced with an impossible quest: He has to eat ten worms by seven p.m. on Saturday — or end up wearing worms in his pants to school on Monday. Instead of noshing on nightcrawlers for a measley $50 like his written counterpart (who ate fifteen, and ended up being “the first person who’s ever been hooked on worms”), the live action Billy is a hero for new kids everywhere. He shows up the bully, realises girls can be good friends, and starts getting along with his little brother.

7. The Neverending Story

A movie based on a book about a book that takes a kid on an adventure worthy of the movies? If you can follow that, you can follow the story of Bastian’s journey to Fantasia and back. This is another case of a book that isn’t exactly bad (it has its own cult following), but for kids who grew up fantasizing about their own fluffy, puppy-headed Luck Dragon in the ’80s, the movie is still the best option for sharing the story with their kids. The book is just too long, made for reading in installments to younger kids, and its twists and turns are — while fantastical — sometimes hard to follow on the page. The original was written in German, and the English translation can be awkward going. It’s also plagued by a moral that does not translate to younger kids; Bastian turns from the fat kid with no friends to a powerful one, but in the book all his changes and all his abilities cannot completely conquer unhappiness. The author (Michael Ende) was so angry at the film that he sued for the production of the movie to be changed, but he lost. Rumour has it another film adaptation is in the works. And that, folks, is why they call it neverending.

8. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Ian Fleming has had his fair share of books loosely adapted for the silver screen (“James Bond” ring any bells?) — the word “loosely” being the operative word when it comes to his children’s tale of that marvelous flying machine. Hollywood threw in a love story that’s Truly Scrumptious, exing out old Mimsie (the mum, who was very much alive on the page). In doing so, they gave Professor Caracatus Potts, the kooky widower trying to do right for his kids, a higher purpose.

9. Mary Poppins

Julie Andrews made her sweet, but the real Mary was anything but. Strict, vain and kind of cranky, P.L. Travers’ carpetbagging nanny was not going to sing out explanations about the world around Jane and Michael Banks (and their twin siblings in the book). This excerpt from the original Poppins book sums her up quite well: “Michael sighed happily. He loved the story and was never tired of hearing it. ‘And it’s all quite true, isn’t it?” he said, just as he always did. ‘No,’ said Mary Poppins, who always said ‘No.’” Sounds like someone could have used a spoonful of sugar. Author Travers, by the way, hated the movie.

10. Old Yeller

A Newberry Award winner, it’s been reprinted and branded as a “perennial classic.” In other words, another book that isn’t bad… Still, we find the heart-wrenching loss of Travis’ dog more moving onscreen. Is it the baby face of Kevin Corcoran (the little boy who played the youngest Coates boy in the 1957 Disney film) or the sweet disposition of Tommy Kirk (who played Yeller’s bonded-for-life best boy, Travis)? More likely it’s Spike, the canine actor who brought to life the joyful friendship of a boy and his dog. He made you believe a mutt could fend off a bear and a bunch of wild hogs to save his family. Spike made us sob hysterical tears when we were kids, and then brought on another gushing river when we sat down as adults to watch it with our own kids.

What was your inspiration for making a record for kids?

There are a lot of kids in the Barenaked world — we’re more than outnumbered two-to-one — and they’re all still in a place where they’d enjoy it. We had them all sing on the record. It was extremely cool to have them all piled around a microphone like it was Bring Your Kid to Work Day.

What kind of kid music did you listen to in preparation?

They Might Be Giants was a big inspiration. But for the most part we just tried to make a cool Barenaked Ladies record. You don’t need to dumb stuff down for kids. Kids like Green Day and the Foo Fighters. Our main goal was to make sure that the subject matter would be interesting for kids.

Did you every say, "Hmm, do you think we should change our name for the kid record?"

No, because the band isn’t called Nude Chicks or Hot Naked Sluts, you know? It’s the Barenaked Ladies. It’s something a seven-year-old would say.

What’s better — an audience of college students or preschoolers?

Both! I love playing to a crowd that’s got everything from kids to grandparents in it. I love watching different people’s reactions to what we do. Kids respond to the energy level, and then their parents are responding to the wit and the fun of it all.

When you look out at your preschool audience, what are they doing?

They’re certainly reacting to the energy of the music. There are a lot of familiar kid jokes on the record; like in “789″ (lyric: “6 is scared ‘cuz 789″). We tried to tap into that, and the kids seem to really respond to it.

Do you have any endorsements from Playskool or Bugaboo?

No, the Barenaked Ladies are currently seeking endorsements! [Laughs] Please spread the word that we’ll do nursing pads or lactation pumps. We’re very pro-breastfeeding dads.

You’re popular with the ladies, then.

Oh yeah.

You’ve got some celebrity guests on Snacktime. Is Geddy Lee a big fan?

Geddy Lee is the coolest dad on the planet. He’ll never lose idol status for me. But he’s just a regular guy. Our daughters are about the same age and we — just by complete serendipity — ended up vacationing at the same place a couple years in a row. Our daughters hang out and Geddy and I hang out as rock n’ roll dads. It’s pretty funny.

You weren’t even stalking him? You just randomly ended up at the same place?

He was stalking me! [Laughs]

What advice would you give to a ’90s band that’s trying to break into the kid music scene?

Don’t do it. We’ve got it all spelled out! Don’t even try. [Laughs]

So I did what any good '80s kid would. I went to today's version of the video store and started checking out movies. To save you the sobbing and more than you'll ever want to know about urinary incontinence during pregnancy, here are the movies you SHOULDN'T be renting in your condition:

1. Nine Months: Going on name alone, you'd think this Hugh Grant, Julianne Moore '90s flick was a perfect choice for at-home date night when baby's daddy and your cankles propped on the coffee table. After Pugh Hugh starts showing his pregnant girlfriend he's nothing more than a commitmentphobic prat, you'll start glancing first at your fat feet and then at him, second-guessing ever iota of every conversation since you jumped up and down and yelled "it's blue!" When he sees her turning into a praying mantis (because females are known to eat the male after sex), you'll just get indignant. As the same old story you've seen in every movie continues, you'll start yawning, and by the time Moore's screaming and pushing, you'll be asleep. Get it while you can.

2. Sophie's Choice: I've got to hand it Meryl Streep. If she's not wailing about the dingo eating her baby, she's rising above her own happiness to repent for making the most horrible of choices a mother has ever made. It's a movie everyone should see simply to understand yet another piece of the Holocaust, but not one I'd wish one anyone. It's the choice you must make yourself.

3. Problem Child: The be all and end all movie to make you wonder, can one little kid really make life that insane? Macauley Culkin at his home aloniest (oh come on, what would you call it?) could never wreak the kind of havoc Junior Healy enacts on the ever affable John Ritter (still miss that guy) and his brow-beating b***h of a wife Flo. You know it's fake, you know it's played up, but a little part of your brain starts to wonder, what if I give birth to one of those?

4. Steel Magnolias: Plucky Julia Roberts defies the odds (and Sally Field, and her doctors, and diabetes, and a whole bunch of wise-cracking Southern broads) and has a baby. Plucky Julia Roberts' body can't handle parenting. She collapses on Halloween with her little boy watching. Cue tears. Buckets and buckets of tears. And that's when you're not carrying a baby and a rolling mess of hormones. If you must attempt this one, find a friend who doesn't have anything nice to say about anyone and tell her to come sit by you.

5. Terms of Endearment: Didn't I already mention dead mother and buckets of tears? Then throw in a love-hate relationship between a mother and daughter (mirrored famously by the actresses who played the roles) that will make you cross your fingers there ISN'T a girl in there, a mother-daughter reunion, a mother finding love again . . . aaaack. I'm all ferklempt.

Image: Amazon