Restaurants that welcome — but don’t particularly cater to — children, are getting killed at the end of the night, especially in this rough economy. One restaurant in California’s Bay Area was forced to raise prices and accommodating children was one of the reasons.

T.J. Jacobberger, a managing partner at Tavern at Lark Creek, does the math for the San Francisco Chronicle’s Between Meals columnist, Michael Bauer:

When you do 40 children a night on a busy night, that can impact you average check quite significantly. The average check for a child is $US7.50; our average cheque for an adult is about $US31.00.

40 children x $US7.50

150 adults x $US31.00

190 covers total net sales is $US4,950.00 or $US26.06 per cover

Jaccobberger explains his restaurant made the decision to welcome the adults who brought children. Eventually, they added menu items around the $US7.50 price point. But they’re still taking a hit.

Of course, one could argue that perhaps those adults with kids wouldn’t show up at all if their children weren’t welcome. Or maybe those kids are driving away those who left the kids behind.

Taking kids to nicer restaurants is one of those battlegrounds of modern parenting for which, really, there is no correct answer. Some kids can hack it. Some kids can’t. Parents make the call — and, as many of us have experienced as both transgressors and victims — not always the right one.

But hurting the profit margin of your favourite full-service restaurant probably isn’t something that gets factored in. Though I wonder if Jacobberger has run the turnover numbers on tables serving families with children. I know from personal experience, there’s no lingering. They could probably fit in two families like mine in the time it takes to feed one happy group with a blessed evening out without children.

Photo: SFGate.com

"Sure — just give me two secs."

He huffs back towards the playroom, glancing over his shoulder at me to make sure I am on my way to save him from his younger brother. A typical exchange between mother and son, with one exception: I am completely naked.

He caught me coming out of the shower at the precise moment when the wet towel went up on the hook and I was figuring out what to wear that day. The bedroom door was open and I was rooting through my underwear drawer, still bare when confronted with his urgent problem. Yet neither one of us skipped a beat. I may as well have been standing there in a full-length parka, boots and a hat. It was a non-event for both of us.

Later, I ask my husband, "Do you think it’s creepy that I still let the boys see me without clothes on?"

"It’s not creepy. It’s not like you prance around or anything."

"So, as long as there is no prancing, it’s okay?"

"I think so."

"What about when they’re teenagers?"

"You might want to rethink things then."

But I didn’t want to rethink things. There are certain inalienable rights associated with the family. For me, nudity is one of them.

My feelings are not political. I am not taking any sort of stand on freedom of expression. And I’m certainly not making bold statements about "not being ashamed of my body." At thirty-nine years old, I clearly sport some body parts that are worthy of a little shame. But these are the humans to whom I am the closest in the entire world. If, so to speak, they are the fruit of my loins — why should I have to rush to cover said loins?

A strong case can be made that when your children are toddlers, nudity is not negotiable. When flying solo with my kids, my trips to the bathroom and showers were rarely unaccompanied. Doors were never locked. Unfettered access was a safety issue. But somewhere around age four or five, that argument no longer holds water. It’s at that point that parents choose how they want things to be.

I chose not to cover up — and am sticking with that decision — because paranoia regarding nudity in my own home feels repressive. Yet, it remains an incredible quandary for me and the countless other parents who have young children of the opposite sex. My husband can walk around the house totally starkers for the rest of his life without question or judgment because his parts match our children’s. My sister, the mother of two daughters, can do the same. Yet, as a mother of brothers, my nakedness might be questioned. It feels unfair.

Fathers of daughters have it far worse. The stigma of who is and who isn’t a sexual predator falls heavier on men. I find myself thinking often of The Good Mother, the Sue Miller novel turned movie with Diane Keaton and Liam Neeson, in which a mother’s custody is threatened when her young daughter sees her boyfriend naked, and asks to touch his penis. The boyfriend, with actually the best intentions, agrees and all hell breaks loose. Clearly, in this scenario a line was crossed. But who draws the line?

Nudity in the family falls under the same guidelines as how long to breastfeed, how much TV gets watched or whether sugar cereal is available for breakfast. It varies by family and, I imagine, lines up very closely to what the parents experienced as children. I remember seeing both my parents naked when I was a child — never out of context and never in an inappropriate way. I don’t feel the least bit scarred by this. Conversely, married friends of ours who were both raised in conservative households never saw their parents naked. Consequently, they are never unclothed in front of their own children. I suspect they stay covered up in front of the family pets, too.

Expert opinions on this particular topic may be out there, but finding them online is another story. I went to Google "nudity, children" and then thought twice before hitting "I’m Feeling Lucky." I don’t need the social services showing up in my kitchen. But my concern speaks directly to how stigmatized we have become.

Truth be told, I am not immune to the moral barometer. To wit, showers with Mummy were at one point a special treat for my little guys. There was nothing inappropriate about this activity whatsoever, in my opinion. I washed their hair, made bubbles, and helped rinse. They didn’t wash me. But one day, I noticed that they were tall enough that eye level for them was crotch level on me. And the shower stall does not leave a great deal of room for personal space. That was the day the Mummy showers stopped.

While I still hold my ground on my right to be naked around my kids, I do think there are certain parameters by which to abide:

1) I will not force my nudity on my children. Except for the rare occasion when I need to retrieve some critical article of clothing from the downstairs laundry room and decide to make a dash for it al fresco, my nakedness will remain in the bedroom and bathroom, where I have a right not to be paranoid about it. If they stumble upon me in a state of undress, so be it. If they don’t want to get an eyeful — they will learn to knock.

2) I will never be naked in front of their friends. I do not aspire to be a Mrs Robinson-type figure. When guests are in the house, I will stay covered.

3) If I am going to put myself out there like that, I am going to have to be willing to answer their questions when asked. So far, there haven’t been that many queries, but I probably should practise saying the word "vagina" a lot more.

4) No touching, tickling, hugging, kissing, back scratching or wrestling naked. Now, while these are activities that we do engage in regularly when everyone is dressed, doing any of these things while clothes are off feels highly inappropriate. So it probably is.

5) Lastly and most important, I will trust my gut. We ask our own children to do that when it comes to protecting themselves. When something doesn’t feel right — it almost certainly isn’t. My choice to let my kids see me naked is always reversible. I can just simply start covering up. (For the record, I don’t think the same can be said if your children have never seen you nude and you suddenly decide to expand their horizons.)

I would never judge another parent who is uncomfortable with nudity. I would ask her to do the same with me. With all the horrible things we hear happening to children, it is no wonder we have become a society of overly paranoid parents. It is one thing not to trust others with your children. It is another thing not to trust yourself. The fact that my son doesn’t bat an eye at my unclad body suggests that I am raising an uninhibited child who has the highest level of comfort with his mother. And, in my opinion, there isn’t anything creepy about that.

Article photo courtesy Amanda Holden

How to Make a Couch Fort

The perfect antidote to cabin fever: the couch fort. Let your kids gather every pillow and cushion on the premises. Use the big bottom couch cushions vertically as walls (either on the couch or the floor nearby) and drape sheets over for the roof and doors. A play tunnel makes a great entrance. You can also use chairs to drape sheets over. Remember, there’s no one right way, and necessity IS the mother of invention.  Bunk beds also make for a great two-tiered hide-out; just hang sheets with a sturdy clip or shoved into the mattress. Last but not least, give all builders their own flashlight before retreating to the comfort of your cushion-less chair to read the paper.

How to Tell Your Left  from Your Right

Kids can learn this as soon as they know what the letter L looks like. Have your little guy hold out his hands, palms facing away, fingers to the ceiling, thumbs facing each other. The hand that forms an L is the left hand. Simple!

How to Cure an Ice Cream Headache

Have her press her thumb up against the roof of her mouth as soon as the pain sets in.

How to Clean Up

If you’ve found yourself trotting out the evergreen “Do I look like your maid?” lately, this one’s for you: five parent-tested ways to get kids to “do their share”:

• Toy Out, Toy In Teach the golden rule: Only one category of toys can come out at a time.

• The Carrot If she can clean up the clutter in the next ten minutes, there’s a reward in store.

• The Stick Not too PC, we know, but the quiet threat of toys heading off to Vinnies can work wonders. Place a garbage bag or can prominently in the centre of the offending area and let ‘em know they’ve got 15 minutes.

• Musical Accompaniment We like Ralph’s World song Clean My Room, available on iTunes.

• Make it a Game Play “I Spy” (something green or round or fluffy) and the room could be cleared in record time.

How to Blow Your Nose

As any parent quickly discovers, blowing your nose is not an innate skill. It takes practice. Lots of practice. We’re talking years here. And it’s kind of hard to explain, somehow. So we asked paediatrician Philippa Gordon to do it for us.

What you’ll need: a CLEAN tissue (not that desiccated science experiment in your pocket). Get snot- nosed child to take a big breath in through the mouth before attempting the big blow. Instruct him to keep his mouth a little open and, blocking one nostril at a time, blow out in little, gentle puffs (no honking; painful to everybody’s ears, literally and figuratively). Then switch nostrils. Don’t expect kids under five or six to really get it but that’s okay. Recent research shows that too much nose-blowing can actually make a cold worse by (warning: this is going to be a bit gross) sending mucus back into sinus passages.

How to Wipe

A learned art, for sure. We know third-graders who are still calling for assistance! Think three little words: front to back. For those who don’t want to have to call the plumber, try flushable wet wipes. Treat them to two or three to protect their delicate sensibilities. For wipers-in-waiting, librarian Lisa Von Drasek recommends her favourite toilet training book of them all: Time to Pee! by Mo Willems

How to Make Nice With the Cat

It’s not for nothing that many cats make themselves scarce when they hear the pitter-patter of little feet. Kids just want to have fun. Unfortunately, having their tail used like a lash isn’t as much fun for the kitty. Cats want affection, but on their terms, and it’s up to parents to help set the ground rules: take it slowly and wait for the kitty to come to you; don’t stick your face too close; gently pat and lightly scratch under the ears and along its neck.

How to Greet a Dog

Teach your kids to always ask an owner first if it?s okay to pet their dog. Have your dog lover hold out the back of his hand for the dog to sniff before petting a dog on their side and back.

How to Sneeze and Cough

Into. Your. Elbow. Not. Your. Hands.

How to Cure Hiccups

Everybody’s an expert when it comes to hiccups. Some “home remedies” approved by Dr Google:

• A spoonful of sugar.

• Hold your breath (swallowing it down, not in your cheeks) for as long as you can, opening your mouth to take a few additional swallows without exhaling.

• Bend at the waist and drink a big gulp of water upside down from the opposite edge of the glass, then stand up quickly and let the water push the air bubble down.

• Breathe into a paper bag.

• Gargle with iced water.

How to Tie Your Shoes

Or, why they invented velcro. It can be painstaking but worth it for the sheer joy when those little fingers have accomplished their goal. Very soon, they’re going to know that bunny ears are for babies, but in the meantime? Have ‘em cross the laces to make an X. Then, put one lace through the bottom of the X and pull tight. Now, have them loop the laces into bunny ears and make another X using the bunny ears, sliding one ear under the X and pulling tight.

How to Snap Your Fingers

According to Ugly Betty, spitting on your fingertips makes it easier to snap. And guess what? It really does, though feel free to encourage a more sanitary way of moistening them. Snap thumb and middle finger against each other hard, thumb heading up, middle finger down.

How to Get Dressed

Take a few lessons from Learn To Dress Monkey by Alex Toys ($AU59.95), complete with fully removable clothes (down to the socks and shoes!) and 11 “dressing skills” to master (like how to button overalls.)

How to Swing

Think legs straight out, body back when going forward, and legs and body tucked in going backward. The more the swinger pulls back as he swings forward, the higher he’ll go. To help with the timing, stand in front of the swing with your arms out and challenge your swinger to touch your hands with his toes. When he’s at the top, push on his feet to get him to start tucking in. Soon, he’ll be pumping that swing on his own.

How to Keep Soap Out of Eyes

A plague for small bathers and their adult assistants: the dreaded water in the eyes. She could be an Olympian someday if only she didn’t shriek “towel” any time a drop approached. The cure? Get a pair of swimming goggles. They’re fun to have around at bathtime and will let kids feel empowered.

How to Wash Your Hands

As long as kids can turn on water, they can do this themselves, although it may be a good idea to supervise till age 4 or so (think flooding). Plain old soap and warm water is best. If your little person sings his ABCs or Happy Birthday while he soaps up, it’ll be time to rinse when the song’s over (15-20 seconds will do the trick). And no drying off on the seat of the pants; use a clean towel.

How to Stay Calm

John Allgood, longtime kindergarten teacher (yes, he’s my kid’s teacher), calls it “getting steady” because it’s not a criticism. Who likes to be told to calm down? But getting steady is kind of cool.  As he says, calm isn’t the natural disposition of some kids; focus on frenzied vs. loud, active and productive. So how to teach a whirling dervish to keep from spontaneously combusting? Use some teacher tricks:

1.  Set up a non-verbal signal (turning off the lights) for everybody to get quiet.
2.  Stay “steady” yourself: calm and quiet in the face of the storm.
3.  Instead of semi-coherent threats of drastic consequences, count to five slowly.
4.  Give them some alone time to collect themselves (ie. a time out without saying it’s a time out).
5.  Teach them to breathe deeply: “let your belly get big like a balloon.”

How to Brush Your Teeth

Back-and-forth or up-and-down? It’s the burning question of our own youths. Better Health Victoria saysbrush with a circular motion, cleaning a few teeth at a time and making sure to brush the gums as well and to clean all tooth surfaces. For impatient brushers, a toothbrush holder with built-in timer ($AU4.99) will keep kids brushing until the sand runs out.

How To Answer the Phone

According to manners doyenne Cindy Senning-Post, kids probably shouldn’t start answering the phone until they’re five, but if you have your hands tied momentarily, you can start with teaching them the basic script. And with caller ID, you can let them loose on a few known callers:

“Hello”?
“Who?s calling?”
“Hold on a moment, please”

How to Share

The road to the social graces is a long one. It takes some of us upwards of a lifetime to share our toys. So it should come as no great surprise that it is not a natural talent of human beings but a learned social skill — and one that doesn’t come easily. If possession is nine tenths of the law, it is doubly so for our little ones. Four things:

• The kid needs to know that not everything in the world is hers for the taking, that some things belong to other people.

• Build turn-taking into your time together every day. At the playground, help your child get used to the rule of waiting for the slide or the swing.

• If you have a funky pair of sunglasses, let your little one try them on and let them know that they are yours but you are willing to share as long as they are careful and give them back.

• Establish some ground rules about sharing and be consistent in your enforcement. When two siblings or older kids both want the same toy, set a kitchen timer for five minutes to help them know when it’s time to switch.

How to Set the Table

Helping around the house is a self-esteem builder, or so they say. To introduce kids to the art of table setting, try starting out with a printable colour-in placemat.

How to Cook

For a recipe book designed for kids that stretches well beyond cakes, pizza and pasta bakes into more contemporary fare, we like Kitchen Garden Cooking with Kids by celebrated Australian chef Stephanie Alexander. The book also tells the story behind the recipes of the Kitchen Garden at Collingwood College, which Stephanie set up in 2001 in the grounds of a large inner-city Melbourne school.

How to Be a Good Loser

Cut through the usual touchy-feely stuff with a no-nonsense explanation sure to appeal to young competitors: self-interest. Teach them that in most games, there’s always going to be a winner and a loser. And there’s always going to be a next time, if you play it right. Nobody (not even their long-suffering parents) is going to want to play with a sore loser, or a sore winner, for that matter. So, tell them to take a deep breath and let it all go.

How to Take Gross Medicine

Having your child suck on an iceblock or ice cube before taking the big, bad gulp will numb the taste buds long enough to get the medicine down.

How to Ride a Bike

In bikes as in life, it’s all about balance. And pedal-free bikes are just the ticket (albeit a kind of pricey one) for getting kids balanced and ready for a two-wheeler. Of course, you could just take the pedals off of an old BMX and call it a day.

How to Float

Any kid can float, no matter how little. It’s a matter of body position. Stand behind their heads cradling their head in your hands and have them look back at you. Head, bellies and toes are all on top of the water. Let them know you have them.

Two little boys were playing nuclear power station when they had to go home for dinner. Their abandoned “power station” prompted a scare that closed down their entire town.

A passer-by noticed the yellow and black radiation warning sign stuck into what turned out to be the shell of an old computer, and alerted police.They,  in turn, told residents to stay indoors and called for a radiation detector. The boys, who had printed their sign off the internet, tried getting back to play with their toys (dinner was apparently over), but couldn’t get through the emergency services.

The kids aren’t being charged, as police determined there was no threat – they were simply playing a game. Yeah, a game of nuclear power station. And to think when we were six, we played “who can get their bike going the fastest down the hill without crashing?” We weren’t exactly going to set the world on fire, but at least there was no nuclear reactor to worry about.

What’s the craziest game your kids have made up?

Image: Wikimedia

And now I’ve got a situation of a possible “un-friending,” from an angry grandmother who thinks the F-word doesn’t belong on Facebook.

WTF?

My original message, or status report, was put up Thursday. It said “To the f—wad who was setting off fireworks at 11:30 last night [that would have been Wednesday night] BUY A CALENDAR.”

Pretty clear it was a one-off pissy moment, I thought. I don’t actually use the F-word very often, even less now that I have a four-year-old. It’s one of the reasons I turn to the likes of Facebook as an adult – it’s one place I can let off steam in a way I can’t in polite conversation or in my job as a writer.

But along with the several people who “liked” my status and the list of re-affirming comments from parents equally annoyed by fireworks being shot off while their babies are sound asleep came this one, from a woman I like (hence her presence on my “friends” list), who happens to have grandchildren: “Hey Jeanne, I have children reading my pages sometimes. Would appreciate it if the language was clean. Thanks so much.”

It was followed by a friend who took it as a joke… and left a string of expletives, only to have yet another response by said grandmother, proving it wasn’t a joke at all”

“What is up with you people and the language? you’re forcing me to hide you so that my nieces and grandchildren don’t see this language. Good grief !!!! Totally unnecessary.”

OK, I think I’ve said already that I actually like this woman. But I was betwixt and between on this one. I don’t like to anger a friend, but Facebook is not a safe haven for kids.

Have you looked at the options on Super Poke alone? You can “drunk dial” someone, “spank” them and “trout slap” a friend. If you want to protect your kids from any of the above, keep them off Facebook.

Now let’s take a look at the quizzes… which are to Facebook what tantrums are to toddlers – totally ubiquitous. One friend took a Billy Mays quiz which said “YOU shut your whore mouth while Billy Mays is talking.” Another took “which position are you” just yesterday, resulting in the words “doggy style” with graphic illustrations of said position. If you want to protect your kids from that, keep them off Facebook.

And should we debate the pictures on Facebook? Many of which I’ve seen on teenagers’ pages? A la the teenage boy brandishing a beer, the teenage girl driving while her teenage friends in the back of grandpa’s Escalade are holding high bottles of alcohol (and I can only pray the driver was not partaking)? Or the adult drunk male wearing his daughter’s flamingo sunglasses, sticking out his tongue and flashing his nipple? The adult woman licking a guy’s ear while grinding on him? If you want to protect your kids from any of that, keep them off Facebook!

I wouldn’t do any of the above in front of a kid (and some of it I wouldn’t do at all – hello drunk driving!). But there’s a reason I said “f—wad” on Facebook rather than screaming it from my back porch. One very big reason is my four-year-old. Another is the nature of Facebook – I wonder if the reason alcohol plays so heavily on the site might not be because the two have one major thing in common: they both lower your inhibitions.

It’s why Facebook just isn’t a place for kids. And for parents/grandparents who allow their kids on Facebook, it’s up to them to ensure their kids are friends only with people who are aware of the constraints of being friends with kids. I have two teenagers as “friends,” on my site: the little boy I babysat when he was a toddler (now a senior in high school) and the younger sister of a guy I graduated from high school with. The rest of my “friends” are eighteen and older, and there’s a reason for that.

Because Facebook isn’t a place I go to hang out with my kid (my aunt, however, well that’s a different story – I friended HER). And if you don’t think your kids should see what’s on my Facebook page, please keep them off of it.

Do you think people should be wary of your kid on THEIR Facebook pages?

Image: Post Google

The author recounts the story of one walk in which her son is called “shy” for not high-fiving a stranger on command, a “mean little boy” for saying “No” to the woman who said “You should come home with me,” and a “a nice little boy” for merely returning a hello. She also compares people’s ready judgments of one young girl’s behavior in a bookstore for a few hours with the behaviours of the other adults there (not so different).

I’ve wrestled with similar issues, trying to figure out how I’m supposed to teach my daughter to respect others’ boundaries and believe that hers will be respected when most of the world seems to think she actually doesn’t have a right to set any—especially when they, say, are trying to get a hug from her or wanting her to pose for a picture.

“People don’t get mad at me every time i say no. They don’t touch me without asking much. They don’t touch my head and face without asking or being close friends. They don’t tell me who and how I am upon meeting me once,” writes the Hip Mama blogger.

I don’t go the extreme of the writer of concluding that children are the equals of adults or that explanations will always work and behaviorist techniques are always bad (though I expect I’m closer to her position than many).

But I’m right there with her in being aggravated by this kind of behavior. The thing is, you don’t have to believe children are your developmental equals to believe that they are actual real people. They are people with some as yet limited capacities (though more than we often give them credit for), but still people, worthy of being treated with a little dignity.

Why is that so freaking hard?

Photo CC by qwrrty via Flickr.

He’ll turn to me and say, “Gooky poopy head!”

So much for deep thoughts.

But I do wonder what my kids think about. My efforts at conversation with them are mostly thwarted — How was school? Fine. What did you dream about? I don’t remember. I don’t think they quite grasp the concept of thinking or dreaming yet.

I’m not the only one who wonders what’s going on in my kids’ heads. Peter Hartlaub over at The Poop, The San Francisco Chronicle’s baby blog, often wonders the same thing (about his own kids, of course). He cleverly estimates the percentage of each day his kids spend thinking about various things and asks readers to do the same.

So here’s my best guess for my 3-year-old:

Pirates 47%

His penis 29%

His brother’s penis 2% (mostly at bedtime when they fight over who gets to flush the toilet)

Gum 8%

I need a Band-Aid! 14%

And 4 1/2-year-old Declan:

Writing his name in bubble letters 23%

Pirates 21%

Can I have dessert? 35%

Hoping “We’ll see” really means “Yes” in response to, “Can we watch a show?” 21%

Of course, 1-year-old (today!) Molly is easy:

Food! 50%

Mama! 48%

Dada! 2%

Share your own kids’ deep thoughts in the comments below!

Parents care more about keeping their daughters skinny than letting their sons get fat.

That actually came as no surprise to me and probably not you either. We’ve all witnessed something like this: people admiring a “growing boy” as he shovels it in at Sizzler, but eating in silence (or looking away) as the family’s teen girl heads back for another round of desserts.

From eScienceNews:

“Our findings mirror those of other studies that have found that parents are much less likely to recognise or be concerned about the overweight status of sons compared to daughters,” says [lead author Kyung E. Rhee, MD, MSc, a researcher with the Weight Control and Diabetes Research Center at The Miriam Hospital]. “These behaviours may represent a sensitivity to societal values that girls should be slim while boys have a physical or social advantage in being larger.”

Anyway, the study, which appears in the journal Obesity, is good news for parents who never really bought into the idea that kids can exercise portion control when facing an open bag of cookies.

Instead, researchers learned that controlling what and how much your kids eat between the ages of 4 and 7 leads to a healthier BMI between 7 and 9 years old. (No word on whether these restrictions lead to eating disorders, but, hey! At least the kids aren’t fat!)

Here’s a summary of the study from the LA Times:

Researchers studied 789 boys and girls in nearly equal numbers, calculating changes in their body mass index between the ages of 4 and 7, and7 and 9, to determine how their mothers’ restrictive feeding
affected how much weight they gained — or didn’t gain. The data were from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development’s study of early child care and youth development.

Mothers were also asked, “Do you let your child eat what he/she feels like eating?” Answers were scored on a four-point scale, from “definitely no” to “mostly no,” “mostly yes,” and “definitely yes.”

They found no correlation between a rise in mothers controlling their kids’ eating in the early age range and weight gain in the later range. So it’s OK to say, “no dessert tonight!” But spank yourself if you’re telling your girl one thing and your boy another.

Photo: agooddietforteens.com

It’s inevitable that kids are going to hear songs with sexually explicit lyrics from time to time, and most likely, learn to sing along with the catchiest of them. Listening to an inappropriate song or two is not going to screw up any child for life who has involved parents. But for children who get most of their sex ed. from pop culture, copying Lady GaGa is a frightening prospect indeed—and would parents who are involved allow their children to post videos like these to YouTube?

The boy, you may be interested to know, goes by the stage name JesseJigalow.

Photo: urlesque.com