Researchers at the University of Otego in Dunedin asked 3,043 New Zealand teens aged 14 to 15 about how they spent their free time and what their relationships were like. A report on the study was published in the March issue of the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine.

They found that the likelihood of having low attachment to parents went up 4 percent for every hour spent watching TV, and 5 percent for every hour spent using a computer. Not surprisingly, the kids who spent more time doing homework or reading were more attached to their parents. That sounds about right — teens who like to read and are conscientious about homework tend to be the kind of good, high-achieving kids parents enjoy and find it easier to get along with.

Conversely, the researchers noted, the lower attachment among heavier TV and computer users could be because kids who have a harder time with their peers may be using TV and online activities to form what they called “parasocial” attachments to TV personalities or online friends.

Here’s their conclusion:

“Given the importance of attachment to parents and peers in adolescent health and development, concern about high levels of screen time among adolescents is warranted,” the researchers concluded. “With the rapid advance of screen-based options for entertainment, communication and education, ongoing research is needed to monitor the effect that these technologies have on social development and psychological and physical well-being among adolescents.”

There’s a reason, though, that there are some negative stereotypes around sports parents. There’s the yellers who chew out players, coaches, and refs; the ones who are convinvced their kid is the best thing to ever happen to baketball/hockey/gymnastics and the rest of the team exists solely to support their little star; and the people who are maybe just a little over-invested in their child’s success as a way to relieve their own glory days.

But even the best intentioned parent needs some pointers. Janis Meredith, who’s been a coach’s wife for 25 years and a sports parent for 15, offers up some good tips for “spectating” politely at your child’s games. A couple are so simple that I wish she hadn’t needed to include them, although I certainly can understand why she did. For example, realise that everyone in the stands around you likely has a child or grandchild on the team, so watch your criticism of other players. Also, remember to cheer for the team, not just your own child’s accomplishments.

If you’re a sports parent — or deal with them — the story’s worth checking out.

It’s enough to make us crazy. If you’re susceptible to the endless marketing barrage aimed at parents and the constant rush of advice books whose authors aren’t selling anything but themselves, you can really get into a lather. If you’re like me and pretty happy to march to your own drummer, that noise still gets in. I’ve stayed awake at night, worried that I’ve shortchanged both my kids because they’ve never done Gymboree or Kindermusik or anything other than low key stuff with me, have random playdates with whoever’s mum I like versus the alpha kids, and attend a pre-school we chose solely because the teachers seemed nice and they liked the swing.

Turns out I’m not the only one who sees both the madness for what it is and also finds themselves affected by it. Karen Houppert wrote this interesting piece for Salon about parenting advice and how the more she sought it, the worse she felt.

What I found especially insightful is that she discovered instead of feeling more equipped to deal with her son’s little personality quirks, she found herself stressed and snappy, wondering why he wasn’t doing the things all the books told her he should be.

For me, the light bulb went on. I’ve realised recently I am far more yelly and strict about my children’s behaviour when I feel like I am being judged — when I find myself unwittingly in a pack of “perfect mummies,” or around those beloved friends and family members whose opinion actually matters to me. I’m wondering if for Houppert –and probably for most of us — the unseen Repositories of Knowledge act as silent judges.

Of course, the cure is is to learn how to chill right out and shut out all the noise, to deal with your child as the unique and wonderful individual he or she is. But a tough parenting day or a bout of insecurity can make that really hard. How do you “shut out the shoulds” and do what feels right?

Said son posts his dad’s direct, disarming and rather salty morsels via shitmydadsays on Twitter. Follow him here.

So what is shitmydadsays’s Tweet today?

“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain’t spitting it out.”

Well, alright now.

I had some panic of my own back when my second daughter wasn’t measuring up to her sister in terms of speech. Of course all is well, but what the old guy knows is: she never did spit out the cure for cancer.

Photo: Twitter

Dear Mrs. McGinty,

Sure, babies are “supposed to be” plump and squishy. In fact, many parents worry considerably if their baby isn’t round with big cheeks and chubby little toes. We’ve all heard the expression “a big, healthy baby.” Acknowledging the bigness and chubbiness of a baby could be seen as an affirmation of vitality. If you were in sub-Saharan Africa, you’d be accused of bragging.

But in our culture, we have complicated feelings about being “chubby.” Especially when it comes to girls. You might say your relative has a chip on her shoulder, but it’s a pretty common chip in a world where fat is a liability. We can imagine why a mother calling her daughter chubby might send a shiver. And if Chubby’s loaded, Greedy Guts is downright hardcore. Now you’re bringing in appetite as an undesirable trait. (Guts doesn’t have particularly nice connotations, either.)

Many parents — even if they try their hardest not to — project a future appearance based on early impressions. People predict baldness, double chins, acne, ass shape, torso length, and upper body strength all from the shape of their squirmy, gummy infant. In this context, you can imagine how Chubby might be perceived as a projection of future fatness, rather than a term of baby endearment. Nicknames can also sometimes endure inadvertently, turning nasty later. The names behind your relative’s aforementioned shoulder chip may have emerged from similarly benign beginnings.

You may really mean this all in playful adoration of your daughter’s abundance. But it’s worth taking this opportunity to think about whether there might be something else going on. Are you afraid she will be fat? Do you have anxiety about your own weight? Most women do. We live in a very thin-obsessed and incredibly unhealthy culture when it comes to body image. It’s understandable that you’d want to protect your daughter from potential angst. Perhaps using those names somehow makes you feel like you’re fighting back against all that pressure. If that’s the case, we applaud your intention, but as she grows, you might consider something less easily misinterpreted. It’s true that she’s young now, but she’s learning every day. Why not start early with more positive messages?

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com.au

After awhile, you learn to just blithely ignore everything that doesn’t work for you, as you get to know your baby and yourself as a parent. My favorite quote from advice guru Ask Moxie is this: “No one gets to tell you what to do if they aren’t going to come help you out at 3 am.”

So I thought this blog from the Boston Globe was pretty thought-provoking: Instead of asking what parenting advice saved you, she asks what you ignored.

Hmm, for us: Co-sleep. Let her/him cry until they fall asleep. Carry them everywhere. Put that baby down or you’ll spoil her. Get rid of your pets. Stop swearing (okay, that one I wish I HAD listened to). Keep them out until the bars close – they’ll fall asleep on your shoulder.

(That last? Yeah. Childless friend).

What did you ignore? And, if you’re in the mood to dish: Who dispensed it?

Expert: Dr. Janet Stockheim, paediatrician and author of the parenting guide to infants, Nothing But Newborn.

1. Not Reading Up

Every time I was rounding in the hospital nursery or when I had a newborn in the office, I found that parents asked the same questions over and over again. A lot of the questions pertained to things like normal newborn rashes, droopy eyes, or nasal congestion — things that most newborns have. The parents knew everything about all of the brand name strollers, but very few had thought much about the basics of baby care. There are so many resources out there and parents need to do the reading. I don’t think that they should just expect it to all come naturally, because it doesn’t. Use your pediatrician as a resource. Ask one more question if you have one more question!

2. Fear of Change

One thing I often notice with newborns and babies up through six months of age is that they have flat heads. We recommend that babies sleep on their backs for SIDS prevention, so moms I guess tend to put their babies in the crib always in the same position. Because of this, the baby always falls onto the same part of her skull. Months down the line, she has a flat area in the skull. Parents have to remember to reposition their babies, to face them in the other direction or to put something stimulating on the other side of the crib. You can also, when they’re not sleeping, put them on their tummies. A lot of mums are hesitant to put babies on their tummies, but that takes the pressure off of the baby’s skull.

3. Not Sucking It Up

Babies sneeze quite a bit during the newborn period, with all of the fluid from the in utero environment and all of the milk spit up that gets deposited in the back of the nose. Babies really need to have a very free and clear nasal passage in order to feed well and be comfortable. If the nose is not completely free, they may have trouble feeding or even sleeping. Parents are very hesitant to use saline drops and to suction their baby’s nose. I find myself constantly, in the office, doing it for them. The baby will cry, but in the end it makes him much more comfortable. Parents feel like it’s something they should only do if the baby has a cold but really babies frequently have things in their nasal passages, so use the suction whenever you hear that nasal congestion and the baby will be much happier.

Interview by Lindsay Armstrong

Our schedule: She goes to pre-K every day 9-12, comes home for lunch and a rest. (She doesn’t nap anymore. She spends this time hanging out with me or alone, very mellow.)

Afternoons: Monday: Nothing. Tuesday: A very laid-back music class (no instrument, just music and fun) at school (a block away, so no carpooling, rushing in traffic, carseats, etc.). Wed: Informal, unstructured playgroup with friends (and me and little sis) at a local indoor gym. No teacher, very free form. Thurs: A nice short painting class, also at school down the block. Friday: Ballet, which she begged and begged for. The ballet class is very sweet and quite close, though it does involve a drive. — Overdoing it?

Dear Overdoing It,

It’s ironic that a spate of best-selling books and articles about over-scheduling, hyper-parenting, helicopter-ing and hovering has created a generation of parents who are now so worried they are doing too much, they are over-thinking exactly how little they should be doing.

The labels of Big Parenting Trends get thrown around a lot: the fear of being “one of those” mothers can be terrifying. It can make you question your motives each time you so much tend to your child’s basic needs. Am I over-indulging him? Am I stealing her childhood away? Is she never going to be able to think for herself???

The core concept of “over-scheduling” brings up some valid points. It’s important that parents know that their kids can be “enriched” by downtime as well as planned time. It’s important that kids learn how to be bored. And that childhood is seen as more than an opportunity to pad out a future college resume. But you have a very little girl and a lot of long winter afternoons ahead of you.

A lot of the over-scheduling arguments are more applicable to older kids. You can’t expect your daughter, at age three, to entertain herself for too long. From the sound of it, you both seem to be able to kill quite a bit of time without a “plan,” which is great. But she is pretty young, and most young kids do benefit from some structure and attention.

She is also probably pretty interested in other kids at this stage. It seems appropriate to give her a safe place with other kids and adults where she can be creative and socialise. The classes you describe sound very relaxed and informal. And since they’re so close to home and school, there’s a nice familiarity and flow to the whole thing.

Often when people talk about a generation of over-scheduled kids they refer back to the idyllic times of previous generations — and perhaps romanticise it a little. Back in the unstructured past, kids were just running wild in the neighbourhood, having all kinds of pivotal moral dilemmas down in the bush behind Mr. McCreedy’s. Today’s children, with their packed after school schedules, don’t have such character-building episodes.

But things have changed. The “bush,” if exists, is usually considered too dangerous for the wanderings of dilemma-seeking bike riders. All this is to say that it’s not just classes that are keeping our kids from the loosey-goosey lives of yesteryear.

Still, there is a way that the old school “unstructured” model does apply to you right now. In the past, kids were often a part of an extended family or neighbourhood community. A pre-schooler may not have gone to “tumbling class,” but she might have been rolling around on Grandma’s big rug with a few cousins or kids from the block at the same time every week.

Some of us are lucky enough to live in an actual community — where family and neighbors share in childcare and chores — but often parents have to seek out some approximation. Local classes or groups are a pretty good substitute: they can at least give a child some regular contact with a group of kids. They may even provide some of that genuinely important sense of community. Keep in mind that the real goal of a lot of these programs is for everyone to be able to hang out together and not go bonkers in isolation: and this applies to the parent’s mental health as much as the kid’s!

You seem very sensitive to what’s going on with your daughter and aware of not going too far in the over-scheduling / “hurried child” direction. Trust your instincts. If you feel like this semester was a bit much in terms of the social play, then pull back a little this summer. If not, continue in whatever way seems to make the most sense for both of you as you go. As your child gets older and can play alone or with her sibling more, you can let them duke it out on long weekends with nary a planned activity in sight. For now, kick back and enjoy your daughter’s (scheduled) somersaults.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com.au

Expert: Robin McClure, author of the About.com Guide To Child Care blog.

1. Location, Location, Location

Obviously, it’s important to find a childcare option that works within your schedule and budget; however, I think one of the very common mistakes I see is deciding based on logistics, like location, only. If you find something convenient to home or work you might think, “That’s it. That’s the perfect childcare option for me.” You know, it’s great for your schedule; it’s right by your home, but that doesn’t mean that it’s quality care. Similarly, it’s not always true that you get what you pay for. Sometimes you can find fabulous care on the cheap. Somebody may have a low rate and be a fabulous provider. However, choosing for cost alone is obviously a big mistake.

2. Going on Reputation Alone

In a lot of areas, there is that coveted childcare place that everyone talks about. You may have to enroll your child from the time he or she is born in order to get a spot. I actually went through this. I put my son on a waiting list and I was so excited when he got in because this center was so prestigious. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that there really wasn’t the need for my son to be there.

What I’ve learned from the process of finding care for my three kids is that no single type of childcare will meet the needs of all children. Make sure that the childcare you choose is reputable, but also consider the specific needs of your child and yourself. Even if you have a provider who you love, I would recommend frequent evaluations, because your needs may change and your child’s needs may change. The caregiver who is right for your child when he’s one may not be the right caregiver for your child when he’s four.

3. Rushing Into a Decision

You want time to do your research. Find out references and talk to other parents who have kids at this facility. Make a list ahead of time of what questions to ask. What things are important to you? You want to interview the person who is in charge and talk to one of the teachers, but also, see if you can drop in to observe. You shouldn’t have to be taken on a carefully guarded, escorted tour of the facility.

Same thing if you’re hiring a sitter to come to your home. Once you have found someone and done all of the background checks and gotten all of the references; before you leave your children at home with this person, do a test run. Arrange a time when you’re still at home and the babysitter is watching the children. Do this at least the first time. It’s a big decision. We live in a world where you have to be very careful and very vigilant.

Interview by Lindsay Armstrong

I do believe “alone time” is important, and she is FAR from neglected (she was talking when she was nine months old because of how much time my sister puts into reading to her and playing with her), but sometimes my sister will put the baby in her playpen for up to two hours while she cleans the house. I have left the baby alone with her dad while I do errands and when I get home three hours later she is still in the playpen and he is watching TV. She is happily playing by herself, but when she sees me she seems overjoyed that someone is finally saving her by taking her out of the thing!

My question is, am I wrong in thinking multiple hours is too long a span for a thirteen-month-old to be in a playpen? She is developing and needs stimulation, right? — Stressed Auntie

Dear Stressed Auntie,

We too have sat in the bleachers at the parenting circus, pointing at the clowns and their crazy antics. Use the TV as a babysitter? Ha ha. Never! Let a kid sleep in our bed? The horror! We tsked under our breath, and inwardly swore we’d be stricter or nicer or just better when our turn came around. When your big sister is the clown in question, the competitive stakes are especially high. But fact is, auntie, you ain’t walked in those shoes.

Kid care may come naturally to you, and we applaud you on that. Your sister is lucky to have your help. Mothering, however, is something else entirely. Being a mother is much more than just taking care of children. And taking care of children is much more than playing with them and providing “stimulation.” A big part of motherhood, in fact, is figuring out when your kids need you, and when they’re okay on their own, thus giving you time to fulfill the rest of their needs: like, having clean clothes, a clean house in which to play, clean sheets in which to sleep, good food to eat, not to mention a decently-fed, rested and, ideally, stimulated parent to care for them.

While the numbers you quote do read like a pretty big chunk of time for a baby that age to be in a playpen, it does not seem like she’s suffering even slightly from the arrangement. If you’d described her as cranky or bored or zoned out, it might be different. Playing happily after two hours? That’s not a kid who’s hurting for stimulation. That’s a kid who’s making her own fun.

Current parenting trends aside, the way your niece is spending her days is the way babies have been raised in western culture for generations. You think our parents were running flash cards with us at nine months? Uh-uh. It’s only very recently that the idea of focused baby stimulation has taken off. And though the rage continues, it has more than its fair share of detractors. There’s a hefty backlash brewing, saying that kids who are in constant direct stimulation miss out some other, equally important, kinds of brain development.

It sounds like your sister and husband are providing a healthy dose of attentiveness to balance out the down time. In our experience, babies tend to let their needs be known. If your niece was lacking for attention, she’d probably be crying, or at the very least, whining, which would probably put a crimp in your brother in-law’s TV-watching bliss.

It’s great that your niece is so happy to see you, and she probably does appreciate a different caregiver with a different sensibility. It’s not uncommon for kids to seem extra-enthusiastic around close family members when they visit, bringing focused attention and a new kind of play along with them. But be careful how you process this. Positioning yourself as her savior is setting up a dangerous dynamic. There’s a strong undercurrent in your letter that implies you think your sister’s not handling motherhood as well as you might. Left unchecked, this is the kind of thing that seriously strains family relationships.

Your sister is a different person, in a different place in her life. She’s not raising her baby the way you imagine you might. (If you’re anything like most parents we know, you won’t raise your baby entirely the way you imagine you might, either.) This will not be the last time she makes a parenting choice you disagree with. You describe your sister and her husband as great parents who are doing a great job. We encourage you to let her do her own thing, particularly when the way she’s doing it seems to be working fine for everyone.

Have a question? Email parentaladvisory@babble.com.au